Feeling Wanted vs Needed in Relationships
You don't need to be the best in your relationship to be enough. You don't need to be doing the most for your relationship to be valuable. You simply connect in different ways with different partners, and there's a uniqueness to each of your connections that can't be taken away by other people.
Why do you feel that you need to be needed?
“Well, because I'm scared that if they don't need me, then they don't want me. I was taught that to be loved is to be needed, and that I can't expect to be wanted. My purpose in life is to serve and be useful to other people, and that is how I perceive my own value.”
That is something to unpack because you can be wanted but not needed. Needing someone implies that you don't really have a choice in the matter. Wanting implies a choice. Wanting implies autonomy. Wanting implies that someone is opting in to spend time with you even when they don't have to. They could be doing anything else and they choose to hang out with you anyway. They're committing to you. They're putting effort into your dynamic. And isn't that such a precious thing to know that they appreciate you for who you are?
If you associated being loved with being needed growing up, you may struggle a lot with polyamory. Because your partner no longer requires you specifically to get their needs met, but instead spends time with you because they want to despite having other partners.
Needing your partner isn’t inherently a bad thing of course - we are social creatures and interdependence is healthy, and most people do need other people socially, financially, or otherwise. But what ISN’T healthy is viewing your value to your partner purely based on what benefits you give them, and requiring them to depend on you in order to feel loved.
“If they need me to survive, then they’ll never leave me and I can feel secure” is toxic thinking. Your partner(s) can leave you at any time, for any reason. And guess what? That’s a good thing! You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who feels trapped or who doesn’t genuinely want to be there.
You deserve someone who chooses you. I give my partners the freedom to leave, because it means that much more to me when they still choose to stay. They may need me, but more importantly, they want me - and that’s beautiful.
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