Frequently Asked Questions
Here is a list of common questions people have asked me about non-monogamy. I get a ton of messages and comments every day, so if you have a question, it’s probably already been answered here.
If you find this FAQ helpful, consider sending me a tip.
If you would like more specific support/advice on your situation, please consider booking a private peer support session with me.
You can also become a monthly supporter of my work (and get exclusive benefits!) on Patreon, where I do deeper dives into the topics explored on my page.
NON-MONOGAMY TERMINOLOGY AND DEFINITIONS
What is polyamory/being polyamorous?
The practice or desire to be in multiple simultaneous loving relationships with everyone’s knowledge and consent. You can also identify as polyamorous, which is the mindset or capacity to practise polyamory.
What is monogamy/being monogamous?
Monogamy is the practice or desire to be in one romantic relationship. Usually, a monogamous person will demand mutual exclusivity, but not always - it is possible to be monogamous while your partner is polyamorous.
What’s the difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy?
One is a subset of the other but they’re not the same thing. Read this.
What’s the difference between polyamory and polygamy?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel/Short.
What’s the difference between polyamory and a harem?
What’s the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel /Short and Tiktok/Reel/Short.
What’s the difference between an open relationship and swinging?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel/Video.
What’s the difference between polyamorous and polysexual?
What’s the difference between an anchor, primary, and nesting partner?
What is toxic monogamy?
Toxic monogamy, similar to toxic masculinity, does not imply that all monogamy (or masculinity) is toxic. It is a set of ideas entrenched into mononormative culture that are dangerous and unhealthy. For further examples, watch this Tiktok/Reel/Video, this Tiktok/Reel, this Tiktok/Reel, this Tiktok/Video and this Tiktok/Reel.
What is compulsory monogamy?
Compulsory monogamy (also known as mononormativity) is the institution of societal norms that demand everyone must conform to monogamy. Watch this Tiktok/Reel on the harm it can cause.
What’s the difference between hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel/Short. You can also check out this tip.
What’s the difference between descriptive hierarchy and prescriptive hierarchy?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel/Video. You can also check out this tip and this tip.
What’s the difference between being “poly” and being “polyam”?
Poly is an abbreviation for a national identity (Polynesian); Polyam is an abbreviation for a relationship style. Watch this Tiktok/Video.
What is relationship anarchy?
It’s a life philosophy more than a relationship style. Watch this Video, and this Tiktok/Short.
For some definitions of various terms:
NON-MONOGAMY 101
How do you deal with jealousy?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
In fact, I feel a lot of compersion, which is joy seeing my partner with other partners. Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
What’s the difference between a polyamorous relationship (polycule) and a group of friends with benefits?
What’s the difference between polyamory and casual dating?
In casual dating, the eventual goal is still to pick one person. You don’t do that in polyamory - you form multiple committed relationships. Watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
What are the different types of polyamorous relationships?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel/Video.
What about STDs?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel. Also check out this Tiktok/Reel about someone slut-shaming me for having herpes.
What does cheating in a polyamorous relationship look like?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel and post.
Do polyamorous people have multiple individual relationships or one big group relationship?
Both - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Can a monogamous person date a polyamorous person? Do I have to be polyamorous to be in a polyamorous relationship?
You can be monogamous while dating a polyamorous person - watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel. Check out this. Not everyone knows they’re polyamorous until they’re already in a monogamous dynamic, and when they come out, some monogamous choose to work it out with them. However, read this tip.
As to whether I would do it, here’s my thoughts in a Tiktok/Reel.
How do you get into a polyamorous relationship?
There are a number of ways - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous people have sex?
It depends on the relationship. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous people get married?
They can’t, and some of them don’t want to. Watch this Tiktok/Reel. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (Tiktok/Reel).
How do polyamorous people raise children/kids together?
It depends on the relationship. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (Tiktok/Reel). Watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous people deal with unplanned pregnancy?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous people live together?
It depends on the relationship. Watch this Tiktok/Reel. I don’t want to live with all my partners - watch this Tiktok/Reel. Not everyone wants to ride the relationship escalator (Tiktok/Reel).
Is polyamory illegal?
No. Check out this Tiktok/Reel.
Can children be polyamorous?
Can you be polyamorous and asexual?
Yes: check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, post, and post.
Can you be polyamorous and aromantic?
Yes - watch this Tiktok/Reel and this, this, this, this, and this. Aromantic people can have multiple loving queerplatonic relationships - watch this Tiktok/Reel on how it is different from a friendship.
I think I’d be happy with both monogamy and polyamory. Is there a word for that?
Yes, you might be ambiamorous. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Can you be polyamorous and in a monogamous relationship? Can you be monogamous and in a polyamorous relationship?
Yes to both. Check out this Tiktok/Reel.
Can you “come out” as polyamorous?
In my opinion, yes. Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and post.
How do you come out as polyamorous to loved ones?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
What’s the polyamory flag and its history?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel. Also, check out this Tiktok/Reel for some parrot symbolism.
How do I know if I’m polyamorous, or if polyamory is right for me?
Well, you could try reading my content and seeing if you like the idea of it for starters. But I made a fun “put your finger down” 10-question game via Tiktok/Reel. Also watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Any book recommendations?
I have 16. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Any resource recommendations that aren’t books?
Any TV show/movie recommendations?
Polyamorous representation is pretty bad for the most part - watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel - but is steadily getting better. Here’s my reviews of the Boyfriends webtoon (Tiktok/Reel), the Gossip Girl Reboot (Tiktok/Reel), and more in-depth video reviews on my Patreon. Here’s a post about my top 5 recommendations. I also made a Tiktok/Reel of my top 3 favourites.
Any music recommendations?
No, but my followers do. Check out this too.
How do I feel compersion?
You don’t have to, but this might help. I feel it quite a lot - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
I want polyamory but my partner doesn’t. What do I do?
They’re allowed to say no, so don’t force them. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
My partner wants polyamory but I don’t. What do I do?
You’re allowed to say no. Do not say yes just to appease them - watch this Tiktok/Reel. Watch this Tiktok/Reel to learn how to do so respectfully.
How do I approach the topic of opening up a relationship with my partner?
Tactfully - watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel. But be careful - they may get upset. Watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous people (literally!) sleep together?
It depends on the relationship - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS
What are the most common misconceptions?
Watch me answering this exact question on national TV - watch this Tiktok/Reel. I also made a bingo card. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
All polyamorous people are forcing monogamous people to be polyamorous. They lie to monogamous people and trick them into relationships.
I’m sure some are, but generally, no, you’re just projecting. Watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel.
Having said that though, there is a lot that monogamous people can learn from polyamory - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
How do polyamorous breakups work? Do you get voted off like in Among Us?
This question was funny until I got asked about it at least three times a day for an entire month. Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and post.
Also, check out this Tiktok/Reel on deescalating relationships instead of breaking up.
Polyamory only involves three people.
No, it’s polyamory, not triamory. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people never get jealous or insecure.
No - jealousy is literally the #1 thing I get asked about from polyamorous people (scroll up to see my tips on dealing with jealousy), so clearly it is at the forefront of people’s minds. Jealousy is a normal and natural emotion and polyamorous people are not superhumans. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Insecurity is also prevalent in polyamory - watch this Tiktok/Reel. But many feel it is worth it - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people just don’t love their partners enough. If they actually loved them, they would never want to share them.
Yikes, possessive and projecting much? Watch this Tiktok/Reel. Also, there are a lot of benefits to your partner having another partner - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people will eventually leave their partners to be monogamous. They’re just looking for a replacement. Someone will steal them away from you eventually.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel, this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people have to actively be in more than one relationship to call themselves polyamorous.
No. Polyamory is more than a relationship status - it is an identity and a state of mind. Just like a bisexual person is still bisexual whoever they’re dating, a polyamorous person is still polyamorous whether they have one, two, five, or no partners - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
One person inevitably gets left out in a polyamorous relationship.
No, not necessarily - watch this Tiktok/Reel.
You have to date your partner’s partners, or it’s not real polyamory.
No, this is wrong - most people don’t date their partner’s partners because everyone has different tastes. Watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel. Also, triads (Tiktok/Reel) make up a small minority of the polyamorous community.
I had a lesbian partner and a straight male partner: watch this Tiktok/Reel. They are metamours (Tiktok/Reel) to each other. A person dating two people is called a V (Tiktok/Reel).
You have to be friends with your partner’s partners, or it’s not real polyamory.
No. This is the baseline standard for healthy polyamorous relationships. Kitchen table polyamory (Tiktok/Reel) exists, as does parallel polyamory (Tiktok/Reel). Watch this Tiktok/Reel for my approach to metamours.
Also watch this Tiktok/Reel on when to meet metamours.
Polyamory is just cheating with extra steps.
No. Watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamory would fix cheating forever.
Nope, some people are just assholes, like this one in this Tiktok/Reel. Check out this, this, this, this, and this.
Polyamorous people are in it for the sex.
Nope. Check out this and this.
Polyamorous people are “easy”, slutty, and will sleep with anyone.
Polyamory is for people who are trying to fix their relationship, or for people to run away from their problems by spending time with other partners.
A polyamorous relationship is not a band-aid to a failing monogamous one - it is a valid dynamic that people choose to enter into to enhance an already amazing relationship. It has been demonstrated time and time again that people who open up to fix a failing monogamous relationship crash and burn. Check out this and this. There are many good reasons to open up a relationship that have absolutely nothing to do with the relationship failing.
To be fair, some people do certainly use other partners to run away from problems in their existing ones…but they literally never last. Simply put, if you don’t put in the effort to work on your relationship, the relationship will collapse, and no amount of adding new shit to it will change that. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people only seek other partners because they can’t satisfy each other in the bedroom.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel to find out just how wrong you are. (I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, just that it isn’t a universal rule.)
Polyamorous people are polyamorous because their partners are not enough.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people are all ugly, and that’s why they’re not picky, because they’re not attractive enough to get someone to agree to a monogamous relationship.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous relationships never last.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok recommending other polyamorous creators. Check out this, this and this. Also, maybe check the monogamous divorce rate before making such a bold assertion.
You can’t love multiple people at the same time.
Here’s a Tiktok/Reel about the science of romantic love, and this Tiktok/Reel with an analogy.
Love is devalued if you love more than one person.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel breaking down how that just doesn’t make sense.
Polyamorous people can’t control themselves and have no boundaries in their relationships. It’s a free pass to do whatever you want.
If you think polyamory is a free-for-all, you fundamentally misunderstand it. Check out this, this and this. And watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people have commitment issues.
Nope, they’re committed to multiple people. Check out this post, post, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous is just a fancy word for single. What’s the point?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people are just hedging their bets by being in multiple relationships.
Polyamorous people are insecure and have low self-esteem.
Actually, it is because of my high self-esteem that led me to choose polyamory: watch this Tiktok/Reel. Polyamory actually gives me greater security. Also, science shows non-monogamous people are generally psychologically healthier than monogamous people: watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people need multiple partners to be happy.
No (at least not for me) - we just need freedom and choice. Check out this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamorous people are all bisexual/bisexuals are all polyamorous.
Polyamorous people have to love their partners equally.
Not necessarily - watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel. Your partners are different people with different needs. Learn more about the relationship escalator.
Polyamorous breakups hurt less.
Fuck no. Check out this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Men are naturally polyamorous and women are naturally monogamous. Women only settle for polyamory because they can’t find a monogamous man to commit to them.
Polyamorous women are anti-feminist. Polyamory only benefits men.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and read this post.
Polyamorous men are beta male simp cucks. Polyamory only benefits women.
Watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamory is bad for families and children and will corrupt them for life.
Research has disproven this - check out the longitudinal studies by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. Then watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and Tiktok/Reel.
NON-MONOGAMY DISCOURSE
Is monogamy unnatural? Is monogamy bad? Is monogamy toxic?
Yes and no.
I recommend the books Sex at Dawn, The Myth of Monogamy, and Out of Eden to fully answer this. Monogamy is a relatively new invention and is not biologically natural - there is no scientific basis in the cultural belief that we should stop being attracted to others once we’ve found “the one”, which also explains the sky-high cheating/divorce rates. Also, learn more about the history of monogamy.
However, something being ’against human nature’ does not make it bad, and there are many valid reasons to choose monogamy. There is nothing inherently immoral about wanting to be in one relationship, and to agree with your partner to be romantically exclusive.
I have no objections to monogamy, but I do object to mononormativity and toxic monogamy: see this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel. Additionally, I think a significant number of monogamous people are monogamous only out of insecurity - watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel. Check out this and this for my elaboration on my beliefs. Moreover, monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum - watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel - rather than being binary options.
Is polyamory an orientation or a choice?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
As I mentioned above, it seems that the vast majority of, if not all, humans are innately “polyamorous” in the sense that they are capable of being attracted to multiple people. However, attraction does not require action, and not everyone actually wants to have multiple relationships. Therefore, some people choose to be in monogamous relationships while others choose to be in polyamorous relationships.
Most polyamorous people feel that their polyamory was not a choice. Additionally, I think that people feel desire for people to different degrees and in different contexts, and some find it their desires more difficult to control than others.
Is polyamory queer, or part of the LGBTQIA+ community?
The jury’s out on that, and there are good arguments on both sides. Check out this Tiktok/Reel.
What is the difference between saying “poly” or “polyam” or “polya”?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Is there a correlation between neurodiversity/neurodivergence and polyamory?
I think so. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
What’s the difference between a boundary and a rule?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
What’s the One Penis Policy?
Read the first part of this blog post, and then check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel/Video, post and post.
What is don’t ask don’t tell (DADT)?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and post.
What is veto power?
Check out this post, Tiktok/Reel, and post.
What is couple privilege, and how do you handle it?
Check out this article I wrote, this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel/Video.
What’s your take on hierarchy?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel, this, this and Tiktok/Reel.
What’s the difference between romantic and platonic attraction?
Fuck if I know. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
LIVING A NON-MONOGAMOUS LIFE
My partner and I are looking for a third, and we keep getting called ‘unicorn hunters’. What is unicorn hunting?
Check out this (and read everything linked in it). Also check out this, this, this, this, and this. And this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and Tiktok/Reel. I also wrote an article about how to be a unicorn.
I’m not comfortable with a polyamorous dynamic unless my partners are also dating each other. I only want a triad/quad, nothing else.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a triad/quad, but if you are unwilling to consider any other options and are only comfortable if everyone is dating each other, that is unrealistic at best and toxic at worst. Let’s apply this to a friendship - having two friends who also like each other is great, but telling them you can’t be friends with either of them unless they are also friends isn’t okay. Watch this Tiktok/Reel and this Tiktok/Reel.
What do you do when your partner is on a date?
Read this article.
How do you handle polyamory if you live with a partner?
Read this tip and watch this Tiktok/Reel.
I don’t like my partner’s other partner.
How do you manage your time and energy with multiple partners?
Check out this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, post, and Tiktok/Reel.
Do polyamorous people set limits on who their partners can date?
It depends on the relationship, but for me, no - watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
My partner and I have agreed to non-monogamy but I still feel so guilty and ashamed.
This is called monogamy hangover. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
What is toxic polyamory?
There are definitely bad eggs in the community. Watch this Tiktok/Reel,
Polyamory sounds exhausting. Is it really worth it?
It is to me. Check out this Tiktok/Reel.
Polyamory seems so perfect - is it really sunshine and rainbows all the time?
No - there are definitely downsides. Check out this Tiktok/Reel and post. Polyamorous relationships can also be abuse: watch this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
How do you handle different people having different boundaries for privacy and disclosure of dates?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
How do you handle +1s to events?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
How do I meet other polyamorous people?
My favourite dating app is Feeld. Download it for free here. Also check out this Tiktok/Reel.
Should I disclose that I’m polyamorous to new partners and/or in my dating profile(s)?
Yes. Check out this post, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and post.
How do you have group sex?
How do I vet new partners? What questions should I ask new partners?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel, Tiktok/Reel, and Tiktok/Reel.
How do I treat my metamours (partner’s partners)?
What happens if I feel left out?
Communicate: watch this Tiktok/Reel.
My partner is going through a breakup. How do I support them?
Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
I think I’m in an abusive polyamorous relationship.
Check out this list of red flags, this Tiktok/Reel and Tiktok/Reel.
I think my partner is in an abusive polyamorous relationship.
Check out this Tiktok/Reel.
ABOUT ME
What’s your race, sexuality, gender identity, and pronouns?
Chinese (grew up in Hong Kong and the UK, hence my funny accent), bisexual, autigender woman (it’s complicated: watch this Tiktok and read this interview), and she/they.
What does your logo mean?
Check out this Tiktok.
What does Poly Philia mean?
Check out this Tiktok.
How did you get into polyamory? How did you know or realise you were polyamorous?
Check out this blog post, Tiktok/Reel, and Tiktok/Reel.
You’re polyamorous and autistic? How does that work?
Check out this blog post and Tiktok/Reel.
Would you consider monogamy if one of your partners asked for it?
No. I explain in this Tiktok/Reel/ and Tiktok/Reel.
Would you date a monogamous person if they were okay with a mono-poly dynamic?
Probably not. Watch this Tiktok/Reel.
Why do you say “non-monogamy” instead of “ethical/consensual non-monogamy”?
Check out this.
I love your voice so much!
Thank you! If you want to hear more of me, I narrate polyamory audiobooks.