Showing Deference vs Respect in Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

Couple privilege can sometimes be enforced by the people outside of the couple without them realising it. There's a really big difference between showing respect to someone else's relationship and showing them deference.

Deference implies they are the authority and you are submitting to them. Respect implies you are on the same level and there is a mutuality in that respect. If you generally struggle with putting your needs first and making yourself an equal priority, you're showing deference to their relationship at your own expense. And that can be really hard when you're dealing with the power dynamics of couple privilege and polyamory.

Don't be afraid to rock the boat. Ask for things, be authentic about your needs. Whatever conversations that they need to have, whatever decisions that they need to make, to accommodate you is their job, not yours. They can't meet your needs if you don't tell them what they are.

Couple privilege can be internalised, even by those who aren’t benefiting from it. This is where people pleasing interacts with couple privilege and power dynamics in polyamorous relationships. Instead of advocating for your needs, you try to shrink yourself and pretend that they don’t exist because you want to avoid conflict. Or a deeper part of you feels you don’t deserve to have your needs met. Surprise surprise - this doesn’t help your partner show up for you and your relationship!

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Leanne Yau
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