Its My 4 Year Page-iversary!

Written By Leanne Yau

It’s been 4 years since I started this page 🎂 Let me re-introduce myself...

Hi, my name is Leanne Yau (she/they). I’m 26 years old, I’m a certified sex and relationships educator and queer sex therapist in training, and my work is all about non-monogamous relationships and sex-positivity. I draw from my lived experiences as a bisexual, polyamorous, autistic and ADHD, Asian agender femme who has been openly non-monogamous since 2016, to bring you educational and entertaining content about creating healthy and sustainable polyamorous relationships.

I’m honoured to have been named one of ‘15 LGBTQ+ Educators Who Took Instagram Infotainment To The Next Level’ by Buzzfeed in 2021, one of Cosmopolitan’s ‘10 Polyamory Experts to Follow on TikTok’ in 2022, and one of Men’s Health’s ‘60 Top Influencers Who Are Actually Worth the Follow’ in 2023. Also, I was nominated for ‘Sex and Relationships bCreator of the Year’ this year.

Since 2020, I’ve connected with millions across the globe - whether it’s with my 400,000+ followers across multiple platforms averaging 5 million views a month, or through online and in-person talks, workshops, panels, and lectures, and of course my private non-monogamous peer support sessions (for which I recently reached my 1000th client - wow!).

It has been a RIDE - I never thought in my wildest dreams I’d be doing this as my full-time job, and I hope to continue serving the community and bringing you more opportunities to laugh, learn, connect, discuss, and reflect on modern sex and relationships.

A big thank you for supporting me and my work, and please don’t hesitate to connect if you need help on your non-monogamous journey. I’m here for you, and you will be okay 💖. If you want to know more about how I got here, read on!

When I was 17, I had my first (and only) monogamous relationship. 11 months in, my boyfriend confessed he'd been cheating for 3 months. To be clear, cheating also happens in non-monogamy, so I don't want you to think I'm polyamorous to avoid ever being cheated on again! BUT...

The experience made me realise:

  • I wasn't upset about the sex, I was hurt that my partner didn't talk to me about it. I remember telling him that if he'd just asked first, I would have said yes.

  • Him lying about his desires was so completely avoidable and preventable!

My partner stared at me in shock and confusion. I remember thinking, "Hold on...this isn't how everyone feels about it?"

I didn't know that not needing monogamy to feel loved was unusual, or that believing trust and communication were more important than exclusivity was apparently a radically unpopular opinion. No one taught me these beliefs I grew up in a conservative and Catholic family in Hong Kong. It was just something I knew felt right.

At 18, a new partner and I went long-distance - him in America, me in China. We were horny teenagers, and with the distance, we were worried we would grow to resent each other for not being able to meet each other's sexual needs while apart, but we also didn't want to break up or cheat. So, being with other people just made sense to both of us.

I didn't know what we agreed on was called an “open relationship". I also didn't realise that most people wouldn't opt for this decision, or that they would find it weird or wrong. To me, it was just a practical or logical thing to do.

At 19, I began a Law degree at Oxford, where I realised I was bisexual. I excitedly jumped into the world of casual sex, queerness, and online dating. For me, it was the perfect place to explore - everyone was stressed from academic pursuits, so needed to blow off steam, and many were discovering themselves for the first time. Like anything, it wasn't perfect, but it was an overall positive experience and I had a lot of fun (and sex).

However, once again, I was too autistic to realise that some of the things I did were things others found shameful or unusual, especially around sex. I once invited 5 partners to a party, where we all kissed each other on the dance floor and ended up in my room for more fun. The next morning, there were whispers about what a drunk, horny mess I was. People thought I was kissing random strangers for attention. I was called a slut. What a scandal!

Eager for people to get the facts right, I cleared up the rumours - yes, I had kissed 5 people, but I'd done it completely sober, and actually, they were all great friends of mine! I was surprised when this was negatively received. People were aghast that I actually admitted to having consciously chosen to do such a thing. Did I have no shame? Now this really confused me - what was so wrong about having a fun and consensual time with my friends? People are weird, I thought.

With hindsight, I think me being autistic is a major reason why I'm not (as) affected by, or aware of, social norms around sex and relationships. I was bullied my entire childhood, and quickly learnt that people would hate me whatever I did, so I may as well just do what made me happy. I was right, and my bullies were wrong, so their opinions and feelings didn't matter. I have my mother to credit for my high self-esteem - despite the bullying, she raised me to be very securely attached. My queerness is a disappointment to her, but my confidence has served me well!

I completed my law degree in the summer of 2020. The plan was to go into corporate law, but my heart wasn't really in it. I chose law because of my passion for queer rights and social justice (even before I knew I was queer). But also, it was mostly because I was undecided on what to do, so I listened to my parents and picked something that felt practical and thought I'd figure out the rest later. In retrospect, this was incredibly naïve...but then again, I was 22.

At this point, I was in a harmonious polycule. I'd found my people at university and was regularly seeing multiple partners. Score! I was more experienced than most people my age (and older!), so I was used to explaining how my relationships worked, correcting people's misconceptions, and giving advice to those who were curious.

At some point, I figured it would be easier to put all this information online for people I met to read, because I'm a chronic oversharer with zero shame. (Once again, blame my autism.) Between hundreds of job applications and waiting for my Law masters degree to start, I created this page out of sheer boredom in November 2020.

Part of me knew that putting my name and face online to openly talk about polyamory, queerness, and group sex was a sure-fire way to tank my future employability. Another part of me didn't care, and perhaps delighted in my self-sabotage of my legal career as a fun and rebellious side project. As it turned out, that part saved my life.

I liked online memes, so I made one. My memes went viral. Suddenly, I was getting thousands of new followers a day. Turns out people were craving content about polyamory that was accessible and easily digestible on social media. So I decided, quite literally, to give the people what they wanted! My page was initially just for memes and entertainment, but over time, I was motivated to make more educational content with tips/advice.

I started offering peer support in March 2021. Since then, I've worked with 1000+ clients from 40+ countries. I also started a video diary on Patreon to share more vulnerable stories, lessons, and reflections from my life to those who directly support my work. In just 1 year, I was suddenly a full-time 1 creator and educator. So in 2022, I officially left my legal career behind.

Today marks 4 years since I started my page. Every day, I am endlessly grateful for it. Reaching millions worldwide online, and speaking to thousands at festivals, conferences and universities to say hey, you're not broken. I'm like you, and guess what, there is another way to love... is a true honour and privilege.

But it's my work with clients that inspires and motivates me. Holding a safe, non-judgmental space to listen and connect with people, and seeing my clients transform before my eyes through mutual trust, understanding, and vulnerability, made me realise: “wait, maybe this is my calling?”

So, last year, I qualified as a sex educator, then began therapy training. If all goes well, by 2027, I will be a psychosexual and relationship therapist. As a polyamorous, bisexual, agender, neurodivergent, and multicultural femme of colour, I understand the pain of being pathologised or stereotyped based on your identity, and the unique and rare power of feeling seen and understood for who you are.

I'm excited to better serve my communities, especially those who are multiply marginalised like me. The landscape of modern relationships has changed SO much since I started this page. I still get some people asking me things like, "What's the difference between ENM and polyamory?" or "How do you deal with jealousy?" (for that -check my website FAQ!), but non-monogamy has become so much more popular (or at least acknowledged) in such a short time - and I hope it continues to do so.

Anyway, thank you for the last 4 years...and here's to many more

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Leanne Yau
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