There is no universal truth about what is right and wrong in polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

Non-monogamous relationships, like any other relationships, are nuanced. What works for one person may not work for another, and different people can make the same agreement with completely different motivations, which may lead to different results. 

There is no universal truth about what is right and wrong in polyamory. There are certain things that are generally best advised to avoid doing, and certain things that are riskier than others, but there are exceptions to almost everything. Everyone has the capacity to make their own decisions, as well as their own mistakes, and to learn from them accordingly on what works for them and those around them. 

WHY and HOW you’re doing something matters more than WHAT you’re doing specifically. Shaming people for doing things you think are wrong is usually not a good way to motivate them to change - it just puts them on the defensive. Instead, where possible, try and approach with curiosity and understanding, and leave judgements and assumptions at the door. If there’s opportunity for dialogue and growth (which there isn’t always), you might actually get somewhere. 

Obviously, don’t be afraid to make observations about potentially problematic behaviour, and it’s okay to have opinions. But even then, people are ultimately going to do what they want to do, even if you wouldn’t personally do the same. My approach is to inform and educate instead of judging or attempting to control. It’s all about harm reduction. That’s why I don’t believe in preaching a Most Ethical Way to do polyamory - my perspective is just one of many. Also, I’m not your parent. 

Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t. Be discerning with the information that you consume. Formulate your own opinions, don’t just parrot someone else’s. Polyamory is a choose your own adventure story, so carve out your own individual path for yourself and the people that you love. 

Remember - just because someone claims to be an “expert” on something, that does not mean they are the “expert” on YOU. 

🔥Hot take🔥: I think anyone who preaches the One Correct Way or Most Ethical Way to do polyamory is not only straight up wrong for failing to appreciating the nuances of human relationships, but actively harming and disempowering their audience from making their own decisions and reaching self-understanding. I’m NOT here to be some higher authority for you to listen to and shame you if you do something different. I’m here to introduce new ideas, to help you gain your own autonomy, and process your thoughts and feelings. Please do not just blindly listen to every polyamorous person on the internet, including me!

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Leanne Yau
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