Why Most Therapists Don’t Understand Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

Most therapists aren't trained to be polyamory affirming, and that could be a huge roadblock to polyamorous people getting the mental health support and relationship support that they need.

As a polyamorous trainee therapist, I've noticed that there are so many models and approaches that are based on a straight monogamous mindset, and if your therapist doesn't know how to adapt that theory to apply to your specific situation, at best, you don't feel particularly heard, and at worst, they leave you feeling more confused and ashamed than you already feel.

Now, I provide peer support which is a supplement and not replacement, for therapy, but I've had so many horror stories from clients telling me about how their therapist blamed their polyamorous identity on their avoidant attachment, or commitment issues, or sex addiction.

Polyamory is a radical divergence from many relationship norms, and as a result, it is often pathologised. And some therapists, because they're human, can't help but insert their own personal agenda and feelings onto their clients' experiences, and end up taking their autonomy away from them - subtly pressuring them to go back to monogamy when they don't want to, or in couples’ work, siding with the more monogamously oriented person, because that's the person that they relate the most to.

This is why it's so important to find a polyamory-affirming therapist, and ideally someone who is also polyamorous and gets it. You're not wrong, you're not broken, and if a therapist is making you feel ashamed, they are not the therapist for you.

I started training to become a therapist two years ago due to hundreds of clients coming to me for peer support sessions who didn’t feel safe talking about polyamory with their therapist. I do have qualifications to provide support, but am not (yet, at time of writing!) qualified for mental health treatment, so I’m very clear with my clients about what the expectations for our work together is, but it makes me really sad that the therapy/counselling field hasn’t caught up to this demand to support more inclusive ways to do relationships.

I do think this is changing, especially now that there are more polyamorous books being published by qualified therapists (e.g. Kathy Labriola, Jessica Fern) rather than regular folk - and to be clear, both of those types of books have their place! I hope to be able to add to that conversation in the future, but that probably won’t be for years to come! Have you had a bad experience with a therapist who just didn’t understand polyamory? How did you deal with it?

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Leanne Yau
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