Polyamory and Grief

Written By Leanne Yau

Non-monogamy can be a joyful experience, but for some people this joy is mixed with contradictory feelings of grief and loss, even if they are thriving and wouldn't change a thing. This is very common and normal - and it doesn't mean they're actually monogamous. Here's why:

If you opened up from a long-term monogamous relationship, you may experience grief/loss around the relationship dynamic you used to have, the potential relationship you could have had in the future (and the certainty of that path), or the feeling of security and acceptance being in a traditional monogamous relationship provided. 

Following traditional societal norms (being straight, cisgender, monogamous etc) provides a feeling of security/safety that is often taken for granted until it is stripped away. You suddenly lose a sense of certainty that what you are doing is 'right', as well as the validation and reinforcement you got from others around you, simply because you are carving out a different path for yourself. 

Many non-monogamous people also experience grief from the consequent loss of privilege of practising such a stigmatised relationship style. Some may not be feel able to be open about their relationship(s), and feel sadness around the need to censor themselves, be careful about what they share in certain spaces, or lie in ways they did not have to before. The loss of the ability to be honest with everyone can be hard to deal with, even if they genuinely don’t want to (or cannot) be ‘out’. 

Non-monogamous people also, of course, experience grief with breakups. Sadly, more love and connection also means more potential heartbreak! Non-monogamous people may feel disenfranchised grief from invalidating comments about the breakup (e.g. “You shouldn’t be sad, you’ve still got your other partners” or “I told you this polyamory thing would never work”) that invalidates/suppresses their emotions. If someone is going through multiple breakups, they may also experience cumulative grief. 

Even if a relationship has not ended, people who are deescalating/restructuring can experience grief around change (e.g. losing the domestic dynamic when you de-nest without breaking up, or grieving the romantic elements of your connection when you decide to be friends). Sometimes, even if those changes are wanted, they can be harder to process when the person you are feeling this about is still in your life, or if you still have other relationships you want to maintain and show up for. 

Because non-monogamy is so misunderstood, there can be a pressure to feel like you have to ‘represent’ the community by always seeming like you’re having a good time. Any sign of weakness, suffering, doubt, or failure could be seen as ‘proof’ to others that polyamory doesn’t work or that you’re not really polyamorous. 

Experiencing difficult emotions from non-monogamy doesn’t have to mean you’re actually monogamous. It’s okay to miss how things used to be, without that being a reflection of how you feel about things now. Secondly, grief is a non-linear experience, and it’s important to honour that. Give yourself permission to express all the messy, complicated feelings you have about change in non-monogamy on your own timeline. 

You're allowed to struggle, have bad experiences, make mistakes, and question yourself in polyamory. You are navigating a non-normative relationship style that involves making big changes and transitions to your lifestyle and core beliefs, and that is a difficult and scary experience for many. You are not alone, and you will get through it. You will be okay ❤️ 

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Leanne Yau
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