An unfortunate consequence of this “not all about the sex” stuff being thrown around is that a lot of polyamorous people end up accidentally slut-shaming those who do put sex as a priority in their relationships, or who engage in casual sex as well as romantic dating.

A significant number of polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous people try to claim that polyamory is an “enlightened” or “evolved” form of doing relationships, but the truth is that there are crappy people in any relationship dynamic. Unfortunately, given the lack of education on how to do polyamory in a healthy way, many people abuse the label “polyamorous” and use it as an excuse for flat-out terrible behaviour.

Unicorn hunting is a practice which is very much frowned on in the poly community, but it is unfortunately depressingly common with people who are new to polyamory. Essentially, it’s what happens when a couple (usually a man and woman) seek out a “third” (usually a bisexual woman) to “add” to their relationship, where the couple is non-negotiably a package deal – the unicorn must date both of them, or neither of them – and usually with the additional demand that the unicorn must be exclusive to the couple to form a closed triad.

I did not go into polyamory out of a desire to fulfill unmet needs, but rather to explore connections with different people to their fullest potential, and not live in denial of the fact that being in a relationship does not necessarily have to impede attraction and connection with others. Giving up on monogamy was the best choice I ever made.