20 Polyamorous Reminders So You Can Do It Right

1. Jealousy is just an emotion and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad, when you could be taking the time to ask *why* you’re feeling bad.

2. Polyamory can be hard sometimes, but it doesn’t have to define you. Struggling with it (especially early on) doesn’t make you ‘less’ polyamorous.

3. You are still polyamorous even if you have one or no partners. You don’t have to ‘prove’ your polyamorousness to anyone. Your relationship status doesn’t define you and you are valid!

4. Compersion is a lovely thing to experience for a partner, but is not a prerequisite for healthy polyamory. Feeling neutral or simply okay about what your partner does with others is more than enough.

5. Don’t pretend to be okay with things that you’re not actually okay with. Being honest about your limits builds trust in your relationships, even if it creates a hard conversation in the moment.

6. Date separately from your partner(s). Yes, even if you’re dating the same person/people. Group hangs are a supplement, not a replacement, for 1-1 connection.

7. Polyamory is about love and intimate connection, but there’s no need to put down other forms of non-monogamy while making that point. We didn’t divest from shame just to start slut-shaming other people.

8. You don’t have to be best friends with your partner’s other partner(s) for polyamory to work. As long as everyone is treating each other with a baseline level of empathy and respect, your level of closeness can be whatever you mutually desire.

9. Veto power is not only controlling, but is also a sure-fire way to create resentment in your relationship. It literally does the total opposite of protecting your dynamic. If you can’t trust your partner to make good dating decisions, your problem is with them, not the people they’re dating.

10. It’s okay to be friends with your ex, but it’s also okay NOT to be friends with your ex. Not every connection can be salvaged and that is okay.

11. Be very wary of people who blame all your struggles with polyamory on the fact that you’re just ‘bad at polyamory’. Sometimes it’s not the relationship structure that’s the problem, but the person you’re doing it with.

12. You don’t have to (and arguably, shouldn’t) date/fuck everyone you’re attracted to. Choose your partners wisely, and try to consider the potential impact of your decisions instead of acting impulsively.

13. Don’t downplay your relationship with one partner to another. You’re not protecting them by being dishonest - in fact, by avoiding potential conflict, you create bigger problems for later and erode trust.

14. Polyamorous bi/pansexuals: stop entertaining people who limit the genders you can date or genitalia you can interact with, and call them the fuck out. One Penis/Vagina Policies are deeply biphobic, transphobic, and often also misogynistic - and you deserve better.

15. Whether you believe in hierarchy or not, couple privilege is a real thing that exists! Have conversations early and often about the practical realities of its impact with partners, especially if you are married, cohabiting, and/or a parent.

16. You can be polyamorous and not enjoy group sex.

17. Before you blame a metamour for a problem in your polycule, examine whether your rose-tinted glasses are preventing you from seeing issues that you really should be taking up with your partner instead.

18. You don’t need to know absolutely everything your partner is doing with other people. Make agreements as a polycule about what information is on a need-to-know, nice-to-know, or don’t-want-or-need-to-know basis.

19. If your partner is struggling with jealousy, the absolute WORST thing you can do is shame them for raining on your parade if you want to maintain trust in the relationship.

20. Hard truth: if you want polyamory, your partner wants monogamy, and you can’t make a mono-poly thing work, the most LOVING thing to do is to break up instead of torturing yourselves over a fundamental incompatibility.