The Truth about ‘Polyamory Under Duress’ (PUD)

Written By Leanne Yau

The discourse around the term "polyamory under duress" is pissing me off, because people aren't approaching the conversation with enough nuance and real-world context. As a person who has worked with hundreds of previously monogamous couples opening up for the first time, here's my take on the reality of "polyamory under duress", what it is and isn't, and the many forms it can take. 

"Polyamory under duress" (PUD) was coined by sex columnist Dan Savage to describe the power imbalances and consent issues that can occur when two people in a long-term monogamous relationship attempt to open up, but one party is much more monogamously oriented than the other. The more reluctant party is therefore faced with an immense pressure to agree to an open dynamic not out of genuine desire, but to avoid a breakup/divorce. This seems simple enough, but reality is a LOT more complicated. 

A common misconception about PUD is that it always involves a polyamorous aggressor and a monogamous victim. The term "duress" implies that the pressure is being applied by the polyamorous partner deliberately, coercively, and sometimes abusively. While in some cases that can absolutely be true...more often than not, I find the duress is being applied by the *situational context*, and not by any specific person. 

In an ideal world, everyone would have the freedom to choose whatever relationship style feels most authentic to them. In practice, most of us are deeply affected by societal pressures: to be straight and cisgender, to get married and have kids, and to be monogamous. Then there's the fact that most people in long-term relationships are disincentivised from leaving even if things aren't looking good, because long-term relationships offer a feeling of security/familiarity that most cherish. 

Some people also assume that if someone suddenly wants to be polyamorous while in a monogamous relationship, that they must have lied or 'tricked' their monogamous partner before. In reality, some people's desires change over time, while others take a while to figure out who they are and what they want - similar to when people realise they're gay while in a straight relationship. Most people don't go into a relationship with the intent of switching up on their partner. 

A common rebuttal to PUD that I've seen goes something along the lines of, "But before the PUD, wasn't the polyamorous person technically MUD (monogamous under duress)?" In some senses, yes! This doesn't mean that all polyamorous people in monogamous relationships are being abused or controlled by their monogamous partners. It means we are *all* victims of mononormativity, and those who diverge from the norm are made to suffer in silence. 

Most people respond to PUD with empathy for the person who they relate to. Monogamists tend to feel sorry for the monogamous partner, seeing them as a victim to a greedy, selfish cheater with no respect for commitment; polyamorists feel for the polyamorous partner, who they view as a victim to a controlling, close-minded traditionalist suppressing their authentic expression of identity. It's easy to point fingers and cry "abuse!", but in most situations, it's not toxic - just a sad situation. 

Another critique I've seen goes, "But the monogamous person should just leave if this isn't the relationship they want. It's their own fault for people pleasing and not standing up for their own needs, no one's forcing them to stay." Which I *technically* don't disagree with, but this statement demonstrates a wilful ignorance to the realities of being in a relationship in a mononormative, capitalist society. 

"Just leave" isn't quite so simple when you're a stay at home parent and financially reliant on your partner to survive. "Just leave" isn't practical if you're an immigrant in a foreign country. "Just leave" gets complicated when all your friends think you're 'relationship goals', when you risk losing your community over the breakup, when you don't want to disappoint your parents or your children. And yes, "just leave" is scary as fuck when there is abuse and you fear the consequences. 

Then there's the simple fact that a lot of people stay in relationships long past their expiry date because they were holding onto hope. Most folks in long-term, committed relationships usually want to give things a last-ditch effort before throwing in the towel, even if a part of them knows it's not a good idea or the end is approaching. It makes sense to want to make sure you've exhausted all the options before giving up. Hindsight is 20-20, but in the moment, you can't be 100% sure. 

So yes, PUD can absolutely become a very real issue not necessarily because a partner is being particularly shitty, but because someone is feeling trapped by other real-world constraints that affects their capacity to freely consent and incentivises them to stay even when it's not a good situation. People stay in relationships that are a poor fit for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with the moral standing of the person they're with. 

There are absolutely instances of PUD that is coupled with abuse, toxicity, and outright coercion, but in my experience, those situations tend to be a minority. Contrary to the misconception that polyamorous people are selfish, entitled sex-obsessed cheaters who don't experience true love for their partners, most polyamorous people who realise they want polyamory don't want to hurt their monogamous partner. They want their partner to join them on their journey, but struggle to accept they can't. 

Polyamory under duress isn't necessarily abusive. Most of the time, it's just what happens when two people, constrained by a mononormative society, are desperately in love with each other but also deeply in denial about the fact that they are fundamentally incompatible and need to break up. That's a hard thing to wake up to, and for most people it takes time to accept and grieve what could have been. So let’s create space and empathy for both parties, not just one. 

Finally: while many cases of PUD lead to breakups, there are also situations where the reluctant, “monogamous” party warms to and thrives in polyamory - they may even identify as polyamorous despite thinking “I could never!” before. This isn’t a reason to push your partner behind their emotional limits, but not every polyamorous person goes into polyamory with zero issues and struggles from day 1. It takes time to unlearn mononormative scripts and some people struggle more than others. 

In conclusion, I don’t think the term “polyamory under duress” was created to paint all polyamorous people as selfish manipulators, but more to highlight that a) moving from monogamy to polyamory is HARD AS FUCK, b) not everyone wants to or can do it, but c) people do stupid things for love (and other things) sometimes, because we’re human…and that’s okay.

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Leanne Yau
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