Feeling Needed vs Wanted in Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

Let's talk about feeling NEEDED vs feeling WANTED in polyamory.

If you associated being loved with being needed growing up, you may struggle a lot with polyamory because your partner no longer requires you specifically to get their needs met, but instead spend time with you because they want to despite having other partners. That is scary for some people, but I would like to reframe it instead as a precious gift. 

Why do you feel that you need to be needed? 

“Well, because I'm scared that if they don't need me, then they don't want me. I was taught that to be loved is to be needed, and that I can't expect to be wanted. My purpose in life is to serve and be useful to other people, and that is how I perceive my own value.”

People who were taught to believe that their worth was based on their usefulness to others in childhood tend to struggle with feeling wanted/desired in adulthood, and cling on to proof that their partner relies/depends on them in some way to feel loved. If you associated being loved with being needed growing up, you may struggle a lot with polyamory.  Because your partner no longer requires you specifically to get their needs met, but instead spends time with you because they want to despite having other partners. A key part of polyamory is coming to terms with the fact that no one can meet all of someone else's needs, and you shouldn't have to. But some folks then struggle to feel secure, and fear abandonment by their partner. 

That is something to unpack because you can be wanted but not needed. Needing someone implies that you don't really have a choice in the matter. Wanting implies a choice. Wanting implies autonomy. Wanting implies that someone is opting in to spend time with you even when they don't have to. They could be doing anything else and they choose to hang out with you anyway. They're committing to you. They're putting effort into your dynamic. And isn't that such a precious thing to know that they appreciate you for who you are?

Being wanted, as opposed to just needed, by your partner creates more security in the relationship. You can feel safe in the knowledge that your partner, despite having other options, actively invests into your relationship and is genuinely happy with you - not for what you PROVIDE, but for who you ARE. It's not because they don't have anyone else, but because this is where they want to spend their time and energy. That is a wonderful thing. 

Needing your partner isn't inherently a bad thing of course - we are social creatures and interdependence is healthy, and most people do need other people socially, financially, or otherwise. But what ISN'T healthy is viewing your value to your partner purely based on what benefits you give them, and requiring them to depend on you in order to feel loved. "If they need me to survive, then they'll never leave me and I can feel secure" is toxic thinking. 

Your partner(s) can leave you at any time, for any reason. And guess what? That's a good thing! You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels trapped or who doesn't genuinely want to be there. You deserve someone who chooses you. I give my partners the freedom to leave, because it means that much more to me when they still choose to stay. I don't want someone to need me in a relationship. I want someone to want me. To be desired and chosen when someone has the freedom not to do so is what feels most valuable to me. They may need me, but more importantly, they want me - and that's beautiful.

Just to be clear, it's okay to need people for things, and rely on people who are close to you for support - that's part of the beauty of human connection. Needing your partner isn’t inherently a bad thing - we are social creatures and interdependence is healthy, and most people do need other people socially, financially, or otherwise. Also, some people with disabilities often don't get to opt out of needing others for support. This post is not about that - this post is for people who gain more value from feeling 'useful' to others than from being appreciated, desired, and loved for who they are. But what ISN’T healthy is viewing your value to your partner purely based on what benefits you give them, and requiring them to depend on you in order to feel loved.

You don't need to be the best in your relationship to be enough. You don't need to be doing the most for your relationship to be valuable. You simply connect in different ways with different partners, and there's a uniqueness to each of your connections that can't be taken away by other people. 

When you can let go of that need to be needed, your relationship becomes that much more free from pressure or coercion or a need for survival. Saying "yes" to your partner is that much more powerful - because you both have the power to say "no", you both know that the "yes" is a true "yes".

My past self needed to hear this, so I’m saying this for anyone else who needs it: you carry inherent worth and value as a person. You don’t need to do things to earn or win love from others, and you don’t need to serve people to be deserving of love. When you let go of the idea that you need to be needed in order for people to want to have you around, you learn to accept love that is being given freely.

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Leanne Yau
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