Being Polyamorous in a Monogamous Relationship

Written By Leanne Yau

We don't talk enough about the fact that you can align with polyamorous values and enjoy the idea of polyamory, maybe even identify as polyamorous in your heart... and still practice monogamy. Here are some reasons why:

Practising polyamory in a mononormative world is radical. Many people find it liberating to challenge social norms, to deconstruct ideas of love, sex, community, and relationships, to be at odds with the world around them, and to customise their connections from the ground up. 

You can genuinely thrive in polyamory and also acknowledge the studies that show non-monogamous people experience minority stress from the stigma they face. Whether you view polyamory as an identity or a choice, the fact is that practising polyamory openly can be traumatising. 

Maybe you're a queer disabled woman* of colour like me, so being othered for being polyamorous is no big deal. And challenging others with your existence can feel good - but for others, it can be a lot. So, if the option is available, some may choose the path of least resistance. 

Not only can polyamory be traumatising due to external stigma and societal judgment, but also, depending on your own unique triggers and who you're doing it with, polyamory can also be extremely emotionally difficult. And only YOU can decide whether it's worth it to you or not. 

Healthy polyamory involves a lot of personal awareness, introspection, and reflection - and it can very efficiently expose all your trauma, triggers, and insecurities. Some people think that's awesome. Others find it overwhelming as fuck for their nervous system. Both are valid. 

I can't believe I have to state the obvious, but if practising polyamory is actively triggering your mental health issues (e.g. suicidality, frequent panic attacks, PTSD flashbacks, disordered eating/sleeping), it's okay to stop - if you want to. Take care of yourself first. 

You can be polyamorous and live with trauma, a mental illness and/or disability - you don't have to be "healthy" to love and be loved by many. AND, for some, dealing with their condition(s) is enough on their plate and polyamory doesn't feel worth the extra stress. THAT IS OKAY. 

Loving more than one person at the same time is vulnerable as fuck. A lot of monogamous people are TERRIFIED to open up to even just ONE person and never develop a healthy relationship with love. It's no wonder that opening your heart to even more feels incredibly scary for some. 

Being trauma-informed in sex and relationships means recognising that everyone has a different window of tolerance and not to push beyond one's limits. Practising polyamory means tolerating a lot of change, novelty, and rejection - and not everyone can emotionally handle that. 

I am not a polyvangelist - I believe any relationship style can be "progressive" and "enlightened" if it is consciously chosen based on what you want and not simply going along with what society wants. And yes, I believe that includes monogamy. 

In the same way that it's okay to go on a sexuality/gender exploration journey and come out the other side realising you are actually just straight and cisgender, it's okay to explore different relationship structures and realise that you prefer monogamy or are monogamous. 

Don't just be polyamorous because some friend/partner/influencer told you it's woke and cool. What's ACTUALLY super woke and cool is recognising your own limits, respecting your own boundaries, and doing what YOU want. 

The personal work that polyamory forces you to do is useful no matter what kind of relationship style you’re in, AND you don’t have to be polyamorous to do that work. Do your healing in the environment that feels safest for you. 

Another reason a polyamorous person might end up in monogamy is simply a monogamous partner. To be clear, not everyone can make that sacrifice, nor should you have to! But for some, the person they love is a higher priority, and polyamory isn’t something they need to be happy. 

Some people identify as ambiamorous, meaning they are equally comfortable with monogamy and polyamory. This could be for many reasons - certain life priorities, the person/people they’re with, or simply the capacity/time/energy they have for more than one partner. 

Just like some monogamous (or monogamy-inclined) folks can be in a polyamorous relationship and be happy, some polyamorous (or polyamory-inclined) folks can be in a monogamous relationship and be happy. It’s not for everyone, but it works for some. It’s really just that simple. 

If you believe that people have the right to choose whatever relationship style works best for them, that includes the conscious and intentional choice to practice monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between. Remember: monogamy is not the enemy. Mononormativity is. 

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Leanne Yau
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