"Under what circumstances would you tell someone that non-monogamy just isn't for them?"

Written By Leanne Yau

A follower asked me recently, "Under what circumstances would you tell someone that non-monogamy just isn't for them?". My answer: I would never tell someone directly that non-monogamy isn't for them, unless they were already considering it themselves. Let me explain why

Imagine this – a lot of the people who work with me in peer support came to me because everyone in their life is already doubting and questioning their decisions because of mononormativity. Why would I want to add myself as another invalidating voice in that overwhelming chorus? My priority is to create a safe space for my clients to explore their issues and complex feelings without automatically assuming that them having problems means they're not cut out for it.

I want to normalise the fact that you are allowed to struggle and still want non-monogamy. I also believe everyone has a different metric for how much they want to handle on their non-monogamous journey, and that might be different from my own. I want my clients to learn to trust themselves, identify what they need, and make their own decisions. My job is to help them find their own answers to their questions, not tell them what I think the answer should be.

Have I had clients make choices that I personally wouldn't make? Absolutely. But that's because I'm me, and they're them. I'm not here to judge what you feel is right for you in this moment. What works for me may not be what works for you, and I want to honour that difference. Over the years, I've worked with 1000+ clients. So many have come to me with doubts about their capacity for non-monogamy, and I have held space for them to make a decision either way. I've had clients be reluctant at first, but later were unable to imagine ever being monogamous. I've had clients give it a try, and decide later it wasn't a fit, for a wide variety of reasons. I've also had clients who, through peer support, affirmed their monogamous identity.

Despite being a full-time polyamory educator, I'm actually not here to convince everyone to be polyamorous. I'm here to support everyone to make an informed and authentic choice on what relationship style they want to practice. There are many valid reasons why people don't want to be non-monogamous, and that's okay. You're allowed to explore, to try things out, and to change your mind. It's also okay to go on a whole non-monogamous journey and decide at the end that monogamy is still what works for you.

The majority of the people I work in peer support with are non-monogamous/polyamorous - but I also work with a lot of monogamous people who want to expand their definition of monogamy, or incorporate an abundant mindset while dating one person at a time. I work with monogamous people in love with polyamorous people, and figuring out whether or how mono-poly might work for them. I work with monogamous people who want to learn more about polyamory so they can better support a polyamorous person in their lives.

Polyamory empowered me to find my voice, to stand firm in my own needs, and to make my own decisions, rather than go along with what everyone else told me was acceptable at the expense of my own authenticity. Similarly, I'm here to empower my clients to do the same.

Therefore, to answer the question at the top of this thread...I would never tell someone non-monogamy isn't for them, because telling someone what I think they should do, or what I think they can and can't handle, would literally defeat the point of holding a safe space for them.

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Leanne Yau
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