The One Thing No One Warned Me About Polyamorous Breakups

Written By Leanne Yau

Breakups in polyamory are super wild because you feel like you've "failed" on multiple levels. Mononormativity tells us breakups=failure as it is, but the extra layer of fuckery is that now you feel like all the people who doubted you and told you polyamory never works were proven right. It's okay to feel that way for a while - but just know it's not true. Don't stay in a bad polyamorous relationship out of pride. It's okay to leave, for any reason, and you deserve to be happy 💕

My last major breakup was in 2022, and I remember finding it SO hard to leave that relationship, more than any other relationship I'd had before. It was my first 'properly' polyamorous relationship - previously, I'd been in sexually open, non-monogamous relationships which felt different, and had one monogamous relationship as a teenager - and I was scared that by leaving I'd be 'proving my haters right'. Instead, leaving that relationship led to such a huge evolution in my non-monogamous practice. I felt so much more freedom to be authentically myself and to seek out connections that felt aligned with my values. I don't regret taking the time to be sure, but it was super hard dealing with the extra pressure and stigma of being non-monogamous. It takes time to unlearn that self-consciousness and to just do what feels right. So to whoever needs it: don't torture yourself by staying in a relationship for the sake of it. It's okay to leave.

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Leanne Yau
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