6 Common Misconceptions About Solo Polyamory
Solo polyamory is one of the most misunderstood types of polyamory, even within the polyamorous community. So let’s go through what it is, and more importantly, what it isn’t.
Solo polyamory is a relationship structure where someone engages in multiple committed relationships, but chooses to live an independent, autonomous lifestyle by avoiding traditional relationship milestones associated with coupledom e.g. marriage or cohabitation.
Solo polyamory is not...being single
Single is a relationship status. Solo polyamory is a relationship structure.
You can be solo polyamorous and happen to be single, but if you currently have no partners and are dating with a goal to ride the relationship escalator with someone, that’s literally not solo polyamory.
Solo polyamory is not...separate dating
I have noticed some people saying they’re “solo polyamorous” on dating apps when what they mean is “I date separately from my partner(s).”
Dating separately from your partner is what literally the vast majority of polyamorous folks do. You may be dating solo, but that doesn’t make you solo polyamorous.
Solo polyamory is not...avoiding commitment
Solo polyamorous people can build long-term, committed relationships - the way they define commitment just looks a little different.
There are many non-escalator commitments like regular date nights, going on holidays together, having pet names, attending events together, etc. You don’t need to live with or marry someone to prove you love them.
Solo polyamory is not...relationship anarchy
Solo polyamory is a relationship structure. Relationship anarchy is a life philosophy.
The two overlap a lot as they both prioritise personal autonomy, rejecting hierarchy, and customising your relationships - but not all relationship anarchists want multiple romantic relationships, whereas solo polyamorous people do.
Solo polyamory is not...being “secondary”
The biggest struggle that I see among my solo polyamorous clients is dealing with feeling like their needs and emotions are constantly deprioritised due to hierarchy and couple privilege from partners in established couples.
Solo polyamorous people deserve just as much respect as your entangled partners, and do not deserve to be treated as an afterthought or backup.
If you are solo polyamorous (or think you might be), you can book me for 1-1 peer support on:
divesting from the relationship escalator and mononormative expectations
self-advocacy and setting boundaries, especially when it feels like no one is “in your corner”
dating as a solo polyamorous person, dealing with couple privilege and/or hierarchies
time and energy management
...and so much more!
