Polyamory Newbies, Beware…

Written By Leanne Yau

Dear polyamory newbies: if you're dating someone who is more experienced than you, don't take absolutely everything they say about polyamory as gospel. Just because they've been doing it longer, it doesn't mean that they're doing it well, and it also doesn't mean their way is necessarily the one that is right for you. Here are a few red flags to watch out for so you can protect yourself: 

If your partner is invalidating your emotions and boundaries just because they would feel differently in the same situation, that isn't okay. You're allowed to do polyamory differently from your partner and that doesn't make you "wrong" or "bad" at it. You don't have to be okay with the things they're okay with, and you don't have to do something the way your partner does it. 

If your partner is putting you in situations you don't feel ready for, that isn't okay. Being new to polyamory is not a reason to have your boundaries trampled over, and you deserve basic care and consideration when doing things that are new and scary to you. There's a difference between stepping out of your comfort zone, and getting thrown into the deep end with no sense of emotional safety. 

If your partner sees your jealousy as annoying or an inconvenience, that isn't okay. Your feelings deserve to be held even if they don't make sense, and you're not bad at polyamory for experiencing jealousy. If you're feeling bad, your partner should create a space to support you without taking it personally - and if they can't do that, maybe they shouldn't be dating a polyamory newbie (or arguably anyone)! 

If your partner tells you that you're "not actually polyamorous" as a put-down every time you feel distressed, that isn't okay. You're allowed to struggle without it having to mean anything about the relationship style you're choosing to engage in, and you get to decide whether you are polyamorous or not. You shouldn't be made to feel that you have to always be happy and chill to "prove" your polyamorous identity. 

If your partner knew that you were a polyamory newbie when they started dating you, but repeatedly disparages you for doing and feeling things that polyamory newbies often do, that isn't okay. At the end of the day, they signed up to date a newbie and all the responsibilities that come with that. If they're not ready to do that, you're not compatible as partners and you deserve to be treated better. 

Not everyone has the patience or capacity to date someone who is still figuring themselves out, but remember that respecting your own boundaries and needs matter more than pleasing others. Some discomfort is normal when you're doing something new, but you alone get to decide how much you're ready for without being rushed along against your will. 

Sometimes, it's not that you're bad at polyamory - it's that you're straight up getting mistreated by a partner, and they're dressing up your discomfort as polyamorous "growing pains". This is how so many polyamory newbies end up getting manipulated and abused. Don't fall for it, trust your gut when things feel bad, and remember that everyone starts somewhere, so don't ever feel guilty for your inexperience 💛 

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Leanne Yau
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