9 reminders if You’re Going Through a Polyamorous Breakup

Written By Leanne Yau

1. Lots of people are going to say “I told you so” because they are biased to believe polyamory doesn’t work long term. Breakups happen for all kinds of reasons, so this isn’t necessarily true, but even if it did happen because of polyamory, that doesn’t make you a failure at it.

2. If you have other existing relationships, don’t try and fill the void your relationship left by rapidly escalating other connections before you’re ready. It’s basically the polyamorous equivalent of a rebound. Let your relationships grow separately, at their own organic pace.

3. Talk to your support network about what you need. People grieve differently, and it likely won’t be a linear process. Set expectations on your availability and emotional state for the coming weeks/months and discuss what they have the capacity to do to support you.

4. If your grief over the breakup triggers jealousy in your other partner(s) or feelings of doubt that you don’t care about them as much, talk about it. Affirm the strength of your connection with each other, independent of the one that has just ended.

5. If your ex is still in your polycule (e.g. still dating your other partner(s) or being otherwise involved in your network), talk to the rest of your polycule about next steps, new boundaries on future contact and privacy, and setting up separate containers for support.

6. Resist the urge to “cancel” your partner and cut them from your polycule/friend group/local community, UNLESS your experiences suggest they genuinely pose a danger to others. In most cases, just because you didn’t work together, doesn’t mean they can’t with others.

7. If you and your ex have a shared partner/friend, do not ask them to play the messenger between you, force them to take sides in the situation, or otherwise put them in an unnecessarily difficult position. It won’t be easy, but extend grace and compassion wherever possible.

8. The beauty of polyamorous breakups is that sometimes you can restructure your connection instead of ending it completely. Things may feel raw for a while, but if there are parts of your relationship that you feel would still work well in time, consider a deescalation instead.

9. Finally, breakups are not an indication of failure, and relationship length does not guarantee success or happiness. There is great strength in recognising when a connection has run its course and knowing when to stop. You are not bad at polyamory for ending a relationship.

I ended my anchor/nesting relationship of 4 years two nights ago, and use my experiences to create content that will help others. I had a really bad breakup in early 2023, and wrote this list of tips at the time to help others going through the same thing. A lot of new faces have joined since then, so I thought I’d bring it back!

Breakups in polyamory are super tough because it feels like you’ve failed on multiple levels - it’s common to feel that you’ve not only failed at relationships (because according to mononormativity, a relationship ending is a failure), but also at polyamory (and what’s worse, you’ve “proved everyone right”). So I’m here to say NO to all that, and to affirm that it’s OKAY to walk away from relationships that don’t work for you and don’t make you happy, for any reason.

The relationship that inspired this post lasted 4 years, and it was my first “officially” polyamorous one - prior to that, I’d only had open relationships (i.e. with romantic exclusivity), though there were definitely stints where I had multiple deeply intimate and emotional connections that were technically romantic but were never formalised into partnerships. The only place I’ve shared about what happened before, during, and after that breakup was on my Patreon - I went into detail in multiple videos about why we broke up, how we broke up, all the ways I personally fucked up in the leadup to it, what I took responsibility for, how it affected my other partners at the time, and what I learnt from the experience. I even shared a 9-minute voice note I sent another partner (who I’m still dating now) at the time.

If you found this article helpful, consider the following:

Leanne Yau
Previous

Can You be "Too Traumatised for Polyamory"?
Next

Try to be Curious with Your Jealousy