How To Handle Jealousy In Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

Does the following sound familiar?

  • "What if my partner leaves me?"

  • "How DARE they touch my partner!"

  • "I'm just not good enough for them to only want me."

  • “Their partner is so much hotter/smarter/better...”

Take a few deep breaths and try to think:

  • What are your core emotions: fear, anger, and/or sadness?

  • Is your jealousy internal: caused by trauma/insecurity?

  • Or external: indicating an unmet need in your relationship?

Remember:

  • No one can be better than you at being you

  • You aren't sharing your partner, they are sharing their time with you.

  • Your partner loving someone else doesn't mean they love you less

  • Move from a scarcity mindset of love, to an abundance mindset

Ask your partner for reassurance, and talk about your feelings. But ultimately, your emotions are yours to handle and process! Remember the only worse thing than feeling jealousy is suppressing it and pretending it isn't there.

Jealousy was an extremely common topic among the first posts I made when I started this polyamory education page 5 years ago - and 1000+ clients later, jealousy is still one of the most common topics I deal with in my peer support sessions. It’s been so interesting witnessing all the different ways it shows up in all kinds of people around the world and how unique it really is to every individual person.

Jealousy usually isn’t just ONE thing. It’s often a complex mix of emotions that come from a variety of sources and triggers. Everyone experiences it differently, so it’s important to get to the core of YOUR jealousy, instead of being ashamed of it and denying that it’s happening.

Jealousy doesn’t make you bad at polyamory and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not polyamorous - emotions don’t define you, and you don’t have to let them take over your life in a way that prevents you from embracing the things you want and find rewarding. And sometimes it’s even helpful, because it notifies you about things that you need to work on in yourself or in your relationship!

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but if it is what you really want, with time and patience jealousy will eventually become something you can harness as a tool for self-discovery, rather than something to be afraid of.

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Leanne Yau
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