In Polyamory, “Experience” Isn’t Everything

Written By Leanne Yau

Just because someone has been polyamorous for a long time, it doesn't mean they're good at it. Similarly, just because someone is new to polyamory, it doesn't mean they'll be bad at it. Lessons I learned the hard way... experience does not indicate wisdom!

For me personally, I generally avoid dating people who are brand new to polyamory, mostly because I don't want my personal life feel too much like my professional life, as I regularly work with polyamory newbies as clients. To be honest, it's more for their safety than mine, as I can easily slip into "polyamory educator mode" in a way that blurs boundaries for everyone involved.

However, on occasion I meet people who, despite their lack of experience with non-monogamy, have values and a mindset that are so aligned with mine, and such a willingness to do independent reflection and learning without overly relying on me for information, that I don't mind giving them a chance. My 'no newbies' boundary does have exceptions! My current nesting partner of 3 years is one of them - when we met, he'd been actively polyamorous for less than a year. And yet, here we are!

Equally, I've met people who have been non-monogamous for over a decade, but have been in dysfunctional relationships the whole time due to lacking self awareness and not learning from their many mistakes. And I'm not exempt from this either - I still make dumbass mistakes even 9 years into non-monogamy, because I'm only human. (*cough* you can learn more about all my fuckups on my Patreon *cough*)

To me, peaceful non-monogamy is less about dating people with experience, and more about dating people with a similar value set and mindset/attitude to personal growth. What's been your experience with it?

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Leanne Yau
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