Disclosure Boundaries: Are You A High- Or Low-Information Person?

Written By Leanne Yau

There are two types of polyamorous people when it comes to disclosure boundaries: those who do better with more information about what their partner(s) are doing with other people, and those who do better with less. Here's how you figure out which type you are: 

People who do better with more information don't necessarily need ALL the details, but generally feel that the more their partner shares with them, the more settled and secure they are. If they have the information they need, their mind isn't trying to fill in the blanks. They might also feel 'in the loop' and therefore included on their partner's non-monogamous experiences. 

People who do better with less information don't need ZERO information, but generally feel that the less their partner shares, the less they have to think about. In contrast to those who want more information, they want less material to build further narratives around and potentially catastrophise over. As long as their partner is happy, they're happy. 

Sometimes which type of person you are is context-dependent - you may want more details about some metamours than others depending on what feelings they bring up in you, or what personal relationship you might have with a metamour. You can also shift from one type to another over time depending on other things going on in your life, so it doesn't have to be fixed. 

However, whether you want more or less information, it shouldn't be used as a way to avoid the necessary work around non-monogamy. Whichever type you are, it's important to question not just what kind of information you need, but why you need it and whether it's coming from a healthy place.

What can make it unhealthy, you ask?

People who want more information risk getting overly involved in their partner's lives in ways that can come across as controlling. Remember that your partner deserves privacy in their relationships and resist the urge to demand access to absolutely everything. Not everything needs to involve you, and that's okay. 

People who want less information risk burying their heads in the sand, or potentially being blindsided by progressions in their partner's relationships that they would have otherwise wanted to be informed about. Being in denial will only create more pain later, so remember to set clear expectations about what you DO want to be informed about, even if it creates a difficult conversation. 

Disclosure boundaries aren't just about you and your partner - they're also about the people you're dating! When you're having conversations about disclosure boundaries, don't be blind to potential couple privilege and power dynamics, and be considerate of how your decisions affect other people. How would they feel about your disclosure boundaries, and how do you factor in everyone's need for privacy? 

If you're not sure how much information you want to know, it's generally helpful to ask closed as opposed to open questions so you have more control over the details you're exposed to. Closed questions could be things like, "Did you do XYZ?" (note: make sure to check you're not being overly invasive!) or "Where did you go for drinks?", while open questions are more general like "What was your date like?" or "What did you get up to?". 

If you're new to figuring out your disclosure boundaries, it's okay to make mistakes because you're still in the process of exploring and learning about yourself! Don't forget to check in regularly and renegotiate if things change. Keep communicating your feelings and above all, be respectful 💛 

If you want more resources on disclosure boundaries to level up your non-monogamy journey, I made a super handy guide for my Patreon community, which details how to figure out how much to share with one partner about another, how to respect people's need for privacy without keeping secrets, how to navigate conversations around information sharing, and much more. Patreon members get special perks and lots of bonus content!

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Leanne Yau
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