I Love You - So Let’s Break Up

Written By Leanne Yau

Say your partner is pretending to be okay with polyamory. So whose responsibility is it to break up?

Both of you!

Yes, we all have a personal responsibility to identify our needs, advocate for ourselves, and make choices that align with our values. But I would say you also have a responsibility to your partner to identify when the relationship is not in alignment with their values and desires.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for making decisions on behalf of your partner for their own good. I think that's infantilising, and there needs to be a conversation. But most people don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is suffering just because of who you are and how you choose to express your love.

Love isn't about staying in a relationship no matter the cost. Love is about being invested in your partner's happiness and well being, including recognising that you are not going to be the person that gives that to them. It means recognising what's best for them and wanting to support them in getting those things, including sometimes recognising that YOU are not that person who will do so. Even if it sucks in the moment, long term, your partner will thank you for setting them free.

When I ended things with a long-term partner back in 2023, it was partly because I realised we needed to release each other from the completely unintentional shackles we had placed on the other due to the conflicting needs and expectations we had of our relationship that were keeping us both completely miserable in different ways.

Being in a healthy relationship would mean asking one or both of us to fundamentally change our values, and I didn't want that for either of us. Breaking up with someone is sometimes the most loving thing that you can do.

If you want polyamory, your partner wants (mutual) monogamy, and you’re both miserable trying to make a fundamental incompatibility work, breaking up is the most loving act you can do to minimise long term harm and resentment. Both of you deserve to be with people that make you happy and who have compatible desires to you. It’s not a failure to recognise that you are not each other’s person.

If someone is pretending to be ok with polyamory they’re betraying themselves and their needs. It’s the mono person’s responsibility to be honest with themselves, and break up if they are unhappy - but it’s also the poly partner’s responsibility to care for their partner, be invested in their happiness, and do what they feel is best for everyone. Which sometimes includes breaking up. I wouldn’t say it’s solely any one person’s responsibility, it’s a dynamic that both people contribute to.

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Leanne Yau
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