Finding Your Own Way in Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

There is no One True Way to polyamory. Believing there is one means you're falling into the same trap that you did in monogamy, where you're more focused on doing things "correctly”, instead of what actually works for you and your partner(s). Learn to make a choice for yourself.

I know that it can feel comforting to have someone tell you what to do. I know that feeling like you’re doing the “right” thing and getting validation feels easier than forging your own path and potentially facing judgment. I know that having someone else make choices for you to follow is easier than taking responsibility for your own decisions. But, if you want to be happy and in control of your life, you can’t just do what people expect you to do. You have to think and choose for yourself.

If someone is preaching that there is only one correct way to do polyamory, and that if you do something else, you’re a bad person and you should feel bad…question it. Heavily. There is so much nuance and shades of grey in human relationships and connection, and there is no universal statement about polyamory that is going to be correct for everyone. Because everyone is different and bringing their own unique lived experiences to the table.

I’m here to share my experiences and tell you what’s worked for me and what is *generally* advisable in most scenarios, but I am not an expert on your life, and I am not the polyamory police. When I work with clients in my peer support sessions, I make very clear I’m not here to tell you the answers to your questions, but to help you find your own. You decide what works for you. I listen and don’t judge. If everyone’s on the same page and no one is getting hurt, no one gets to tell you that what you’re doing is “wrong”. End of story.

In 2021, I pinned a post to my FB page. It says “I do not, never have, and never will speak on behalf of the entire polyamorous/non-monogamous community. No one does, no one should, and it would be foolish to even try, as polyamorous people are not a monolith.” I still stand by that.

There are folks you will meet online/offline who will try to tell you their way of polyamory is the only Objectively Correct way. They will cast judgment and assert their superiority over you, and refuse to listen to your unique experiences or different points of view. This is a manipulation tactic - to make you feel ashamed, doubt your reality, and run to them for salvation.

On social media, a large following can mean a creator genuinely makes good/helpful content. Other times, it means they're just good at posting incendiary content that lacks nuance - not to educate/support, but to provoke you to comment/argue, and generate them visibility/money. Remember social media rewards folks who incite ANY engagement, good or bad - and some exploit the algorithm and their audience by ragebaiting as a grift.

I can't change how social media works or what others do. I'm here to offer my perspective with as much good faith and nuance as possible. I aim to educate and entertain, and hopefully create a more inclusive space for you to learn. But at the end of the day, I'm just a regular human person who happens to run a polyamory education platform as my full-time job, which is a gift and a responsibility.

As a qualified sex educator, trained peer supporter, and trainee psychosexual therapist, I’m not interested in telling you how I think non-monogamy “should” work. I’m more interested in helping you figure out how to make non-monogamy work for YOU. I’m not your leader, parent, ultimate authority, or the solution to all your problems - and if there’s anyone you know who tries to make you see them that way, they are someone you need to view with a healthy amount of scepticism.

Use your critical thinking, be discerning of what you consume, and be careful of who you trust and support - including me.

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Leanne Yau
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Double Standards In Polyamory