WTF is 'Couple Guilt' in Polyamory?
If white people feel white guilt for their white privilege, then it follows that couples can feel couple guilt for their couple privilege.
Now, privilege isn't a bad thing. It's what you do with it that matters. And the most common way that I see couple guilt show up in polyamory is when people get so defensive about the entanglements that they have with their partners that they refuse to have any conversations about the impact that has on other partners.
For example. If someone lives with their spouse who they also co parent children with, but they get defensive about the very real logistical consequences that their entanglements have on other partners. If they say things like, “oh, but our polyamory is non hierarchical.” That is couple guilt.
Your privilege is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. That means having active conversations with your other partners about what your entanglements mean for them. Not all couple privilege can be dismantled, but it can certainly be acknowledged and in some cases mitigated. And that will lead to having more productive and collaborative conversations with people in your polycule.
Here’s the story behind how I coined the term “couple guilt”. I was chatting with licensed therapist Polyamarla a few weeks back about how and why both of us have moved away from using the word “hierarchy” in polyamory. We found that the word was often weaponised to invalidate people experiencing the consequences of couple privilege. People were wasting time talking about what is and isn’t hierarchical, rather than talking about expectations and feelings. Everyone defines the word differently and so many people are scared to be deemed hierarchical in their behaviour that they’re not actually having meaningful conversations with their partners about how their relationship dynamics are structured and what impacts that may have on various people in the polycule.
With our combined experience working with clients, we had both noticed that so many people felt guilty for having couple privilege, but instead of using the guilt to make meaningful changes and communicate openly, they were turning it inward and getting defensive about it. It mirrored what we had both learnt about how white people sometimes don’t know what to do with their white privilege and feel apologetic/shameful but don’t take any action that benefits POC. And that’s when I realised - just like there’s white guilt, there’s also couple guilt! 💡
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