Can You Be ‘Too Traumatised’ For Polyamory?

Written By Leanne Yau

One of the most common questions I get from polyamorous clients is, “Can you be too traumatised for polyamory?” The short answer: it’s up to you. The long answer:

Dating more than one person at the same time, being vulnerable with more than one person at the same time, shaking up your relationships and dealing with change etc, it is a lot on the nervous system for a lot of people. 

Some people think it's worth it. They go:“This is what I want. I think this will ultimately be a rewarding experience. So even though I'm struggling right now, I'm willing to do the work to get to the other side and hopefully not struggle as much in the future.”

And some other people might be like: “This is a lot. My nervous system is overwhelmed. Fuck this shit. I'm out.” Both are equally valid! 

I'm not here to say, if you believe in polyamory, then you must do it sometimes. Even if, in your heart, you know you're polyamorous but you realise that this is too much for you and that you don't think that going through all of this stuff is worth it on the other side, then you can absolutely say “I can't handle an open relationship”. You get to decide whether you're okay with that or not.

No one gets to tell you that you’re not mentally healthy enough to love and be loved by more than one person. But, if you are going to embark on a polyamorous journey as someone with existing mental health issues, insecurities, and trauma, you will likely struggle more than someone who doesn’t have those things. And that’s okay, but it is YOUR CHOICE to decide whether you want to take on that work and responsibility. 

Obviously, there are certain things that will be triggered regardless of the relationship style that you practice, so some of that work needs to be done ANYWAY, but I’m not going to lie to you - dating more than one person is factually a lot more to manage than dating one. And it’s okay if you cannot be bothered. 

There are plenty of people who practice polyamory who have all kinds of mental health struggles - and there are also plenty of people who opt for monogamy simply because it’s easier on their individual nervous system. That’s okay. 

I want to normalise the fact that you are allowed to struggle and still want non-monogamy. I also believe everyone has a different metric for how much they want to handle on their non-monogamous journey. I want my followers and private peer support clients to learn to trust themselves, identify what they need, and make their own decisions. My priority is to create a safe space for you to explore your issues and complex feelings without automatically assuming that you having problems means you're not cut out for it.

There are many valid reasons why people don't want to be non-monogamous, and that's okay. You're allowed to explore, to try things out, and to change your mind. It's also okay to go on a whole non-monogamous journey and decide at the end that monogamy is still what works for you!

Polyamory empowered me to find my voice, to stand firm in my own needs, and to make my own decisions, rather than go along with what everyone else told me was acceptable at the expense of my own authenticity. Similarly, I'm here to empower you to do the same

For more where this came from, this was just a taster - watch my full video on Patreon.

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Leanne Yau
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