Mono-Poly Relationships Can Work - Here Are 5 Traits That Guarantee Long-Term Success
Mono-poly relationships are rare, but they can and do work - and, as with any relationship, it highly depends on the people involved. Here are the 5 traits that I see in functional relationships between a monogamous person and a polyamorous person that set them up for long-term happiness:
1. Neither party is secretly hoping to change the other person, and both truly accept and respect their partner's identity/choice.
A common pitfall in mono-poly is when one person wants the other person to 'convert' to their relationship style, which is not only dishonest and disrespectful, but also risks creating resentment if the fantasy does not happen. A healthy mono-poly dynamic is one where both parties love each other as they are, not a version of them they hope they will become.
2. Both parties have compatible expectations on time spent together.
In most monogamous relationships, partners expect to spend most, if not all, their free time together, but in mono-poly, this is simply unrealistic. However, if you are a monogamous person who highly values your independence, has other commitments that fulfill you (e.g. friends, family, hobbies, work), and understands that your partner's time is not something you are entitled to, mono-poly may work extremely well for you!
3. Metamours (partner's partners) are seen as a benefit to the relationship, not a threat.
Monogamous people who thrive in mono-poly dynamics feel positive to neutral about the existence of other partners. They may even find it comforting and liberating, due to the lack of pressure to fulfill all their partner's emotional needs, enabling them to show up more authentically. Some like to befriend their metas, others don't - but either way, they appreciate what metas bring to their partner's life.
4. The polyamorous person is empathetic to their monogamous partner's struggles, while maintaining strong boundaries to maintain their other relationships.
It's one thing to hold space for your partner's emotions when they feel insecure, and another thing to make decisions that negatively impact others to assuage that insecurity. Be kind, but firm in accepting/denying requests from your partner, and make sure everyone is treated fairly rather than giving one person/relationship all the power.
5. The monogamous person embraces a polyamorous and/or relationship anarchist mindset to love, and does not associate having one partner with mononormative expectations of a romantic relationship.
The happiest monogamous people in mono-poly are the ones who are essentially polysaturated at one romantic partner. They don't assume that being with one person means following traditional relationship norms, and are willing to customise their dynamic to what actually works for them and their partner.
That being said…it’s not for everyone.
Not every monogamous person can be happy in a mono-poly dynamic - in fact, most of them can't, and that's okay. If none of the above sounds like you, or someone you could see yourself becoming, the healthiest and most loving option is to break up with your partner so you can each find people you are more compatible with, rather than being hurt by things you can't change. It doesn't make you a failure or a bad person - it means you know yourself and what you need to be happy in a relationship.
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