Having More Partners Doesn’t Mean You’re “Winning”

Written By Leanne Yau

Mononormativity taught us that your partner having other partners is a "one up" on you, that you're the "weak" one being "taken advantage of", "cucked", and perceived as "losing" to them.

In my experience working with clients, this can feel especially tender if:
a) you aren't seeing any other partners yourself,
b) you have past trauma around infidelity, or
c) you were raised with masculine values around being "dominant" and a "winner", especially in relationships. 

If your partner has more partners than you, reframing that from something "bad" and indicative of your worth as a person to just a neutral state of affairs is key. What matters is that you are still showing up for each other in your connection, that your feelings are considered, and that your needs are met, which is what actually demonstrates the security and commitment of your connection, not what you're doing with others. 

Polyamory is not cheating, *and* people with trauma around being cheated on tend to find polyamory more difficult. You may logically understand that your partner is with someone else in a completely different context, but your brain is very good at identifying patterns and similarities and kick-starting survival mechanisms into gear to protect you from potential harm. It's very common for wounded feelings of betrayal, fear, and grief to come up, even though you know it's not the same situation. 

In my experience, men tend to struggle more with polyamory than women because on top of unlearning mononormativity (e.g. "Your partner being with others means they don't love you" or "You can only love one person") they also have to unlearn toxic masculinity (e.g. "Your wife being with another means *you* have failed as a man to satisfy her sexually" or "You should be able to control your woman, and if you can't, that is shameful, weak, and unmanly"). Untangling sex from self-worth is essential.

Your partner having other partners doesn't say anything about you as a person, and it doesn't make them "better" than you. You are not being "taken advantage of" for having no other partners at present, whether out of choice or circumstance. There is no need to compete/compare with your partner about who's "getting more" out of the relationship. Instead, focus on your own capacity, what you actually need, and whether you are feeling supported and valued in your relationship and life in general.

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Leanne Yau
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