I’ve Been Non-Monogamous for 10 Years - Here’s Where It All Began

Written By Leanne Yau

I’ve been non-monogamous for 10 whole years - and it all started in 2016 when I was still at school! I was 17 years old, and in my first open relationship with my high school boyfriend. 10 years ago, this is how my non-monogamous journey began...

My boyfriend and I were what I would now call 'monogamish'. We had a 'token system' where if one of us got with someone, the other had a 'hall pass', and we frequently discussed our crushes on people we knew. In the summer, we went long distance, and because we didn't want to a) break up, b) cheat, or c) resent each other for unmet s-xual needs, we mutually agreed to be 'open'/non-monogamous. There are things I agreed to back then that I would never agree to now - but I was still figuring it out.

Also we didn't start out as romantic -partners! We were friends with benefits first, and after a discussion, I summarised our list of 'rules' on Facebook Messenger. Obviously, these later changed when feelings got involved...

I didn't start doing polyamory until 2019 - but I was curious to try it long before then! I made my first dating profile in October, three months after turning 18. That night, I had my first ever one-night stand - the third person I'd ever slept with at the time. It was...meh.

In 2016, I didn't know I was bisexual, though I had identified as demisexual since I was 14, and frequently told people I was "straight until further notice". So I probably had some idea... I also founded and was running my school's LGBTQIA+ society alone, so queerphobia, judgment, and religious hatred from other students was sadly common, and it didn't make me popular.

I don't identify as demisexual - anymore asexuality is valid, but for me, I was just getting bullied so much by everyone, so of course I rarely felt attraction 😂 I think 17-year-old me would be delighted to see me now: polyamorous, bi, training to be a s-x therapist, and making content about it all as my full-time job!

So when I share all the tools and tips I learned the hard way - how to set boundaries and advocate for myself, to stay emotionally regulated and hold space for a partner in conflict, red flags to watch out for, and so much more - I do all this not just for you, but also a younger Leanne who was just starting to figure it all out 💛

As for my ex, things ended super badly - he was more monogamous than he thought, and towards the end, he got very possessive. I left in April 2017.

If you want details check the link below, I made a video about what I learned from the experience!

Thank you for being here :)

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