Here’s How You ACTUALLY Deal With Couple Privilege
Not all couple privilege needs to be (or can be!) dismantled, because we live in a mononormative society where monogamy is presented as the "correct", "ethical", or expected way to participate in intimate partnership. However, that doesn't mean you can't acknowledge it, address it (where possible and if desired), and communicate it upfront with potential or existing partners. Here's how you do it.
You may view your partners equally, but that doesn't mean society will - and the impacts of that are real and felt. Monogamous people will constantly be performing microaggressions, e.g. assuming one partner or spouse will be your +1, asking about one partner but not others, or otherwise treating your partners differently. Is it your fault? No. But does that mean you can just ignore the feelings that come up as a result? Also no! Listen, validate, and hold space instead of getting defensive.
If your partner brings up that they're feeling unhappy, insecure, or dissatisfied with the relationship because of the logistical impacts of couple privilege (e.g. they get less time than your nesting partner because you don't cohabitate), saying, "But I love you and see you as an equal partner!" and then doing nothing doesn't provide any actual reassurance. You're deflecting away from the practical issues by talking about the emotional, and that doesn't help anyone long-term.
Some people can also overcompensate and end up neglecting the partner who holds the couple privilege - this is a function of 'couple guilt', when you feel so guilty for having couple privilege that they forget to nurture the relationship that has it. It's good to be considerate of multiple people in polyamory, but if you're overcorrecting in your behaviour to the point where your spouse/nesting partner/coparent now feels insecure in the relationship, it's time to reevaluate things!
Most importantly: just be honest. If you need to prioritise children and coparenting responsibilities, just say that. If you're married, discuss the legal/financial/social consequences. If you have a disabled partner you care for full-time, that's going to affect things. You're not doing anyone any favours by being vague about these details, because it's not giving folks informed consent.
In addition to current commitments, discuss what's on the table for future plans. Some people may have one nesting partner right now, but be open to living with a polycule later down the line, while others may not for a variety of reasons. You're allowed to have preferences on how entangled you want to be, and with how many. If certain options are closed off, it doesn't make you a bad person, but not everyone is going to be compatible with you depending on your needs/desires - and that is OKAY!
Being transparent about what your existing commitments are and what practical barriers it presents to other relationships is part of responsible and ethical relating. Your relationships may look different from one another, but that doesn't mean you can't have fulfilling and rewarding connections. Be proactive and approach things practically, not just emotionally. Couple privilege is not your fault, nor is it inherently a bad thing to have, but it is your responsibility!
Want more tips on navigating couple privilege? Check out my workshop, Deconstructing Couple Privilege.
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