How Sibling Rivalries Can Influence Metamour Dynamics
I have a theory that if you are a polyamorous person who grew up with siblings, how you respond to your partner's other partners is directly linked to how you were treated by your parents compared to your other siblings growing up. For example, if you feel like you have to 'compete' with a metamour to 'win' or be 'worthy' of your shared partner's attention, it's likely that you have a family wound from a childhood rivalry where you often found yourself neglected or abandoned.
We often reproduce our deepest childhood wounds in our adult relationships, and the love, care, and attention (or lack thereof) that you received as a child affects how securely you attach to others in adulthood. This isn't to say that only children are inherently better at polyamory - parents of only children can be neglectful too! - but if your experience of parental love was scarce or inconsistent, or if your needs were not met while others' were, of course polyamory would feel triggering.
From my experiences speaking to hundreds of polyamorous clients about family dynamics, sharing a partner's love with a metamour is roughly analogous to sharing a parent's love with a sibling. Another example is the dynamic you have with a partner's parents, or with a schoolmate who teachers compared you to - the essence of vying for one person's attention is the same. Therefore, how the person in the middle handles it shapes how much you trust them to meet your needs and feel heard/safe/loved.
If you find old family wounds coming up in your polyamorous dynamics, remember: you are not that child anymore. If you are in a healthy relationship, you can do the work to reframe the core beliefs that are holding you back from accepting love and security into your life, and let go of the survival mechanisms that are no longer serving you in adulthood. Your value does not need to be justified, and cannot be taken away by others. You are inherently worthy and deserving of love in abundance.
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