Intellectualising vs Internalising in Polyamorous Relationships
If you still feel jealous despite having done a ton of research about polyamory, the reason is simple: there's a world of difference between intellectualising and internalising. Your brain might have intellectualised something, but your body hasn't internalised it yet. Let me explain...
Intellectualising is having a logical understanding of your actions e.g. "I freak out when my partner goes on a date, because of my abandonment issues from childhood." You observe yourself in a detached way to avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Internalising is the felt sense of deeply assimilating new beliefs into your nervous system, uncovering the wound, and truly feeling in your body e.g. "I know my partner loves me even when we're apart. I am not afraid, because I am not that child anymore."
Intellectualising isn't necessarily a bad thing; it can sometimes be helpful to create some distance from your emotions so you can focus on information in a more neutral way. However, if that is all you do, you avoid feeling truly vulnerable in relationships because you're not aligning your feelings with your thoughts. This can feel safer, but ultimately hinders intimacy and connection.
True relational healing doesn't come from reading all the books, listening to all the podcasts, and following all the creators about polyamory. It comes from real-life experiences where your values are tested, your emotions activated, and where there are real stakes to consider. How you respond to these challenges doesn't happen in a vacuum, and different partners/situations can bring out different sides of you in ways that have never happened before. That's normal!
Most people aren't perfect at relationships (never mind non-monogamous ones) the first time they try it, and to be honest, even experienced folks don't get it right all the time because we're all human and not always at 100%. Your childhood played a role in shaping who you are, but it doesn't mean your past has to define your present or your future. You don't have to chase perfection - being curious, flexible, compassionate, and vulnerable is infinitely more important to sustainable connection.
Going from intellectualising to internalising requires an awareness of yourself, trust in yourself (and those around you), and beyond that, it literally just takes time and repeated exposure. The more experiences you have that directly disprove things you believed about yourself from your past, the easier it will become to integrate your new beliefs into your body. There's no need to beat yourself up about "not being there yet". Be gentle and kind to yourself, and the learning/healing will come.
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