Debunking 8 Common Polyamory Myths

A list of truly ridiculous and wrong, but unfortunately common, takes I’ve seen in the polyamorous community:

1. "all monogamous people are insecure and unevolved"

2. "being good at polyamory means you can never make a mistake"

3. "mono-poly relationships NEVER work"

4. "if someone cheats in monogamy they will ALWAYS also cheat in polyamory"

5. "polyamory is better than other forms of non-monogamy"

6. "feeling jealous means you're bad at polyamory"

7. "if you dislike your partner's other partners you're a bad person"

8. "you need to read 937462628 books to be truly ready for polyamory"

Here’s my attempt at debunking them :

1. Monogamous people are not a monolith, just like polyamorous people. We can critique mononormativity while acknowledging that there are many reasons people are monogamous that have nothing to do with their level of security in the relationship.

2. Everyone makes mistakes because you’re only human. You’re allowed to mess up no matter how long you’ve been polyamorous.

3. Mono-poly dynamics are rare but can work. It depends on whether the monogamous person can embrace a polyamorous mindset while being polysaturated by one person.

4. Whether a former monogamous cheater thrives in polyamory depends on why they cheated in the past. Some people cheated in monogamy because they didn’t know there was an option to have multiple partners ethically - and being polyamorous fixes that problem. Some people did it because they genuinely don’t care about taking advantage of others - and it’s those folks you need to avoid.

5. Romantic connection is not inherently morally superior to sexual connection. People can choose what works for them and as long as no one’s being hurt and everyone is on the same page, you can do basically whatever you want.

6. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that can be caused by a wide variety of things - not all of it is a “you” problem. Also, it can sometimes be useful for identifying real unmet needs in a relationship.

7. Not everyone vibes with their metamours and that’s ok. There’s a big difference between disliking someone and keeping a distance, and actively sabotaging their relationship with your partner. Don’t do the latter, but you’re allowed to not like people your partner dates.

8. Reading is helpful but will only get you so far - practical experience is often the real teacher. You can prepare by doing some research, but most people actually learn by doing when it comes to relationships.

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