Being a People Pleaser in Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

We don't talk enough about the fact that exploring polyamory is so much harder when you have people pleasing tendencies. Does this sound like you?

  • "I struggle to say no to my partners"

  • "I'm confused about what I actually want"

  • "I'm so scared of upsetting people that I avoid hard conversations"

If so, you might be a people pleaser. People pleasing in polyamory hurts you and others. It STOPS you from:

  • exploring your desires authentically

  • taking responsibility for mistakes

  • finding people who truly embrace who you are

Not only do you have to speak up about your needs and desires, you also have to do it while resisting the mononormative shame and guilt telling you that what you're doing is actually bad and wrong. If you have a partner who is (intentionally or not) reinforcing those beliefs by having negative reactions to your honest communication, that makes it even harder.

People pleasing is a childhood survival strategy, commonly developed as a response to emotionally volatile caregivers, or being repeatedly dismissed, punished, or even put in danger for having basic needs and feelings. If you find yourself struggling to advocate for yourself, downplaying emotions with your partners, or constantly capitulating to whoever is in front of you for fear of a negative reaction from them; you might need healing from being a people pleaser.

If you grew up thinking that your feelings were "too much", that your purpose was to serve others at your own expense, or that asserting yourself would mean facing punishment and dangerous consequences, of course you would struggle with standing firm in your non-monogamous desires. Challenging norms inherently requires disappointing people, which is one of the most terrifying and difficult things for people pleasers. So how do you unpack shame around being non-monogamous when you're still unpacking an even deeper shame around having needs, feelings, and boundaries?

Healing from people pleasing means:

  • tolerating discomfort and distress

  • having a strong sense of yourself and your needs

  • setting/enforcing boundaries kindly, but firmly

As a recovering people pleaser myself, I don't claim to have all the answers, but I do want to help you on your journey, even just a little bit. Check out my workshop, Polyamory for People Pleasers.

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Leanne Yau
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