Non-Hierarchy is an Ideal, not a Goal
I genuinely do not care whether you call yourself hierarchical or not. I care about what you’re actually saying, doing, and thinking.
I believe non-hierarchy can only ever be a value you aspire towards and not something you are or practice, because we live in a and mononormative hierarchical society where you will always be impacted by couple privilege.
There are many definitions of hierarchy in polyamory, and people are frankly wasting time arguing about the “real” definition and attacking/confusing people, instead of focusing on what’s important:
How your polyamory looks day to day,
What conversations you’re having with partners,
How conscious/mindful you are of navigating power dynamics in polyamorous relationships,
How you provide support (or are supported) in situations impacted by couple privilege
Some aspects of couple privilege can be mitigated/dismantled. Others cannot be, for a variety of reasons.
No matter what your setup is, there are real-world impacts when you live in a society that will always try to project mononormativity onto you, and that cannot be ignored. Even if you’re doing everything you can to treat folks equally, you can’t control folks who will only see one or none of your relationships as “real”. That is going to affect you, even if you don’t want it to.
Any polyamorous person can call themselves whatever they want, but that doesn’t mean they’re doing the work because labels mean nothing without follow-up action.
Some people who identify as “hierarchical” can be considerate and accountable to “secondary” partners, and some people who identify as “non-hierarchical” can be careless and irresponsible to allegedly “equal” partners. It’s not black and white.
As a polyamory educator, peer supporter, and trainee therapist, I’m not here to provide the “ultimate” or “correct” definition of hierarchy - such discussions are ultimately pointless and confusing distractions.
Instead, I’m here to provide emotional support and practical advice to folks who are struggling with being polyamorous in a mononormative world, the real-life consequences of that, internal and external, and how they can manage those impacts in their polycules. That’s what matters to me.
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