The Worst Thing You Can Say To A Polyamorous Friend

Written By Leanne Yau

If your first reaction to your friend telling you that they're struggling in their polyamorous relationship is “maybe you should just go back to monogamy”, you're being a terrible friend. I said what I said. 

You might think you're being caring and supportive, but what you're actually doing is you're projecting your own desires and preferences onto their situation, and disrespecting their choices (and potentially identity!) in the process. 

Most people, when they're trying something new that they haven't done before, tend to struggle a little bit - and that doesn't mean they're not cut out for it long-term. And just because you wouldn’t do something, that doesn't mean it's inherently bad for someone else. 

What you're actually doing when you're telling them it would be easier they just went back to monogamy, is pretty much equivalent to telling someone who's training for a marathon that they should just give up just because they couldn't make the first 5k. You're not giving them the space to explore, to make mistakes, and to find something difficult but rewarding and fulfilling at the same time. You're making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. 

Instead of being judgmental and dismissive, what you can do is be a safe space for them to come to you with difficulties. There could be so many other reasons that they're struggling that have nothing to do with polyamory, but you're letting your own biases cloud your perception of the situation, which prevents you from being curious, empathetic, and a genuinely good friend. 

Your friend is probably already getting a ton of shit and judgment from other people for practising a relationship style that is often misunderstood, stigmatised, and hated on. If you add to that chorus by questioning their choices, you are not making them feel safe to be open with you. 

Even if you genuinely feel that your friend is making a bad decision and that polyamory truly isn't for them, that is still their decision to make and their own conclusion to come to, and it's not your place to take away their autonomy. Listen, be curious, and keep an open mind. And if you can't do that, your friend deserves better.

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Leanne Yau
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