Bullshit Polyamory Advice: “Go At The Pace Of The Slowest Person”

Written By Leanne Yau

I actually disagree with the advice that you should "go at the pace of the slowest person" when you're opening up a monogamous relationship, because hot take: I think that is an approach that panders to mononormativity. 

Going at the pace of the slowest person puts all the power in the hands of the person who is more reluctant about opening the relationship, and has the potential to build resentment in the person who is more enthusiastic about opening. It creates a dynamic where one person's feelings are more important than the other's when everyone's should be considered equally.

So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved. 

If the more reluctant party has all the power, then they could potentially keep kicking the can down the road for as long as they want, and the opening up may never actually happen.

And if the more enthusiastic party has all the power, then the more reluctant person feels like they're getting dragged along at a pace that they can't control, which erodes trust and security in the relationship.

So it needs to be a balance. 

But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.

Sometimes, someone could be doing absolutely everything they can to move at the pace that their partner wants, and it's still not enough.

Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.

It's okay to want different things...but it does mean that you need to be with other people, and the most loving thing to do is break up.

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Leanne Yau
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