“Go At The Pace Of The Slowest Person” Is Bad Polyamory Advice

Written By Leanne Yau

You’ve probably heard the phrase move at the pace of the slowest person when it comes to opening up a relationship. And I would agree with that with a “yes and…” which is that the person who is moving at the slower pace needs to not weaponize their slowness, and the "faster" person's needs also deserve consideration. Hot take: I think letting the slowest person decide the pace is an approach that panders to mononormativity. 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I completely see why the advice of moving at the pace of the slowest person can be a good idea. Opening up a relationship too fast can absolutely cause a lot of damage and harm, not just to the people in the relationship but also the other people they bring in. But I would also argue going too slow can do the same thing, just in a different way.

Here’s what I’ve observed from 5 years of working with previously monogamous couples opening up their relationship for the first time: a lot of resentment can come from not being in agreement on the pace of opening up. If one party is taking full control of the reins and not considering the other person’s feelings, their partner then feels disempowered and lacking in agency, which does not spell good things for the health and security of the relationship overall. This is the case whether the slower or the faster person is in control.

There is such a thing as "too slow”, just like there is such a thing as "too fast" - and while that is very individual and specific to each relationship, it's about finding a way to balance everyone's needs/desires rather than entirely making it about one person.

The slower party is often the more fearful and insecure party, and sometimes that fearfulness can lead to avoidance and inaction, or this idea that you have to wait for the perfect conditions to open up which is just not realistic. Meanwhile, the person who wants to go faster feels like they don’t have any control in the relationship, they feel restricted by their partner, and these feelings can turn into resentment which may cause more damage long-term.

Going at the pace of the slowest person puts all the power in the hands of the person who is more reluctant about opening the relationship, and has the potential to build resentment in the person who is more enthusiastic about opening. It creates a dynamic where one person's feelings are more important than the other's when everyone's should be considered equally.

If you are the person who needs more time to open up a relationship compared to your partner, that's fine - but don't weaponise your slowness in a way that means you actually never end up opening up at all. Don’t do shit like, “Hey, we're gonna open up in six months time”, and then when six months comes along, you're like, “Oh, I'm too scared. I'm actually going to delay it by another six months.” No, read the books, do the work, talk to your partner, make actionable agreements, and actually then take the leap. If you don't actually want to open the relationship, then just say that and end things with your partner so you can both be with people you're more compatible with. If you do want to open it, then set clear goals and agreements to work on it - the only way is through.

So no - don't go at the pace of the slowest person. Go at a pace that actually feels right and manageable for all parties involved. 

I also want to note here that not every person who was the slower party to open the relationship is necessarily secretly wanting monogamy. They just may be a more risk averse person in general or struggle with change more than their partner. I’ve seen situations where the person who wanted to move faster later turned out to be monogamous, so initial enthusiasm isn’t always an indicator of future outcome!

If the more reluctant party has all the power, then they could potentially keep kicking the can down the road for as long as they want, and the opening up may never actually happen.

And if the more enthusiastic party has all the power, then the more reluctant person feels like they're getting dragged along at a pace that they can't control, which erodes trust and security in the relationship.

So it needs to be a balance. 

But here's the hard truth: this isn't always possible.

Sometimes, someone could be doing absolutely everything they can to move at the pace that their partner wants, and it's still not enough.

Or, maybe the more reluctant party doesn't actually want to open up at all, and is wasting their partner's time giving them false hope it will happen in the future.

It's okay to want different things...but it does mean that you need to be with other people, and the most loving thing to do is break up.

Opening up, just like any other huge change that you introduce to a relationship, is really goddamn hard. Sometimes it reveals incompatibilities that weren’t obvious before. And that is sad, but ultimately you will be okay.

Going too slow risks not ‘going’ anywhere at all.

If you're waiting for a moment where you feel ready enough to do polyamory that you'll never have any problems, that time will never come. You're not actually going to learn how to do non-monogamy if you stay monogamous.

I get that it's scary. I get that monogamy feels familiar and therefore safe, and you want to stay there, but objectively, you need to be pulling off the band aid. And if in your heart of hearts, you actually don't want to do this, then that's entirely fair enough. But if your partner does, then you need to break up with them rather than deluding them into thinking that at some point you're going to be polyamorous together. Be honest with yourself.

Opening up a long-term monogamous relationship is super hard, especially if the two people involved have different ideas of how quickly they wanna be doing it. I think being considerate of the person who wants to move slower is a good idea, but both parties need to agree on a timeline that both of them actually feel good about. Rather than letting the person who wants to move slower decide the pace entirely. Otherwise, unfortunately, you may end up in a situation where you actually never open up at all.

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Leanne Yau
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