Polyamory Toolkit: Core Needs vs Bonus Needs

Written By Leanne Yau

“Polyamory just means you have lower standards, right? Because one person can't meet all of your needs, so you just have shitty relationships across the board.”

Well, yes and no.

It's true that polyamory offers you the freedom and flexibility to seek out multiple connections where not every relationship necessarily needs to tick all of your boxes. But that doesn't necessarily mean that there aren't some boxes that need to be ticked across the board.

When I'm working with clients, I like to call this the difference between core needs and bonus needs. Core needs are the things that you need in every single one of your connections, so things like trust, respect, communication, that kind of thing. And then bonus needs are things where, as long as they're met somewhere, then you're happy. But they don't necessarily need to be present in every single one of your connections.

For example, some people feel perfectly comfortable in a connection that is romantic but non-sexual. So in that scenario, sex would not be a core need, it would be a bonus need - as long as they're getting laid somewhere they're happy. But for other people, sex might be one of the core ways you express your love, intimacy and commitment with someone. So they would really struggle to be in a relationship that didn't have a sexual component to it. For them, sex would be a core need.

If you don't figure out what your core needs and bonus needs are, you might end up accepting relationships that are less than what you deserve. No one wants that right? So let me know what you think of this model and share with me what your needs are.

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Leanne Yau
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