Want To Open Your Relationship? Be Prepared For Change.

Written By Leanne Yau

When I say I don't recommend opening your relationship unless you are genuinely prepared for the relationship to change and potentially to end, this isn't because I think polyamory is bad or doomed to fail. It's because any change involves uncertainty and risk. 

Introducing any big change to your relationship - having kids, relocating for a career, going long-distance, hell, even getting married - puts you at a crossroads. It has the potential to alter your perception of the world, see your partner in a new way, and learn new things about yourselves...which obviously affects your dynamic. Non-monogamy is just one of many changes you can make.

Just because you and your partner were compatible monogamously, it doesn't mean that will stay true when you move into non-monogamy. You may discover you have incompatible visions of a non-monogamous life. You may meet other people that fundamentally change you in ways that change your relationship. And of course, you could change your mind about wanting non-monogamy in the first place, and become incompatible then. 

I think we like to pretend that as long as two people love each other, they will always be compatible and the relationship will never end, but that is simply not true. You can love and care about your partner, AND grow in different directions. In a relationship, you may want the same things and have the same values, and be excellent communicators, great at boundaries, all the things, and STILL become too different to continue a relationship. Not because anyone fucked up, wasn't paying attention, or you stopped loving each other, but because life happens. You are not the same person that you will be in 2, 5, or 10 years. Neither will your partner.

Long-term relationships require effort to maintain, and of course, that effort goes a long way. But what we don't like to admit is that maintaining a romantic relationship where you stay compatible throughout multiple seasons of your life, multiple versions of yourselves, and years (even decades!) of experience together requires a fuckton of pure, dumb luck that you have zero control over. 

At the same time, though, change happens in relationships and in life regardless...so what's one more? If opening up is a change that you feel motivated towards, like a natural evolution towards the next chapter of your lives, and that will create novelty, excitement, and possibilities for yourselves and your connection, GO FOR IT! Yes, it's a risk, but if you feel the potential rewards and lessons, however hard-earned, will be fulfilling long-term, then you get to decide it's worth it. 

This isn't me trying to tell you to stay monogamous if you want things to stay the same, or that polyamory always leads to breakups. I'm just acknowledging the reality that life will always involve change, uncertainty, and risk, and that there's no guarantee that you and your partner will always be together. So you may as well do what makes you feel like the most authentic version of yourselves, continue to love each other, and hope for the best 💛

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Leanne Yau
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