How Handling Jealousy in Polyamory Goes Wrong - And How To Avoid It
In polyamory (and relationships in general), with freedom comes responsibility. If you want to connect with multiple people, you also have to be prepared to support multiple people with their emotions, including the difficult ones. Unfortunately, here's where I see this typically go wrong...
If you shame and blame your partner for being a "burden" or "buzzkill" just because they had some hard feelings in response to something you did, you aren't being kind, supportive, or loving. You can hold space for them even if it's uncomfortable.
On the flip side, if you shame and blame your partner for...well, acting polyamorously (assuming you agreed that it was okay!), that's unfair, not to mention confusing and potentially manipulative. You can ask for support without attacking them.
Agreeing to support your partner through their feelings is NOT equivalent to you admitting that
a) you're a bad person for being polyamorous,
b) that their hurt feelings are your fault or that
c) you need to apologise like you did something wrong.
Because you're not, they're not, and you didn't. Learning to hold space for someone's feelings without taking it personally is key to healthy polyamorous relationships.
Asking for support with your feelings is NOT equivalent to
a) you being a burden or inconvenience to your partner,
b) you secretly being monogamous for struggling,
c) that you will always feel like this or
d) that your partner needs to stop everything immediately.
Learning to advocate for your feelings and needs while giving your partner the space to explore with others is key to healthy polyamorous relationships.
Whichever side of this dynamic you’re on, there’s a good chance that someday, you’ll end up on the other side. How would you like to be treated when that happens?
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