Jealousy in Polyamory: Rain on the Parade
Something we don't talk enough about in polyamory is how there is this subtle pressure not to "rain on your partner's parade" - and that can lead some people to not be fully honest about how they are feeling, even when they REALLY need to be. For example, if your partner is buzzing from their first date with someone else, but you're feeling jealous and insecure about it, you might feel bad about bringing up your feelings because you worry it will "bring the mood down".
Two things can be true at the same time: your partner deserves to be happy about their connections with other people, AND your tender feelings also deserve support and consideration. You can be genuinely happy for your partner's new relationship, AND also be worried about what this means for your relationship! One doesn't have to cancel the other out just because they seem to contradict each other on the surface.
This is a common struggle that comes up with my clients, and a response I offer them is, "Giving someone the opportunity to support you in your vulnerability is not a burden, but a gift." You're not an inconvenience to someone for having regular human emotions to big changes. Your feelings matter just as much as your partner's, and just because they're hard doesn't mean they don't deserve equal space to be heard. Your partner signed up to date multiple people, and that means signing up not just to enjoy the thrill of new love but also to care for existing love. Yes, it's work, but it is NECESSARY work.
Your partner supporting you when you're feeling down isn't a "distraction" from their joy. It is LITERALLY part and parcel of being in a relationship. Relating authentically means you have a reasonable expectation to be there for each other through the ups and the downs. If your partner only wants you around when you're happy and accommodating, and doesn't want to "deal with you" when you're "making things hard", they simply aren't prepared to be with your whole and complex self. You deserve someone who is able to hold all your feelings, not just expect you to perform the positive ones that benefit them and them only.
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