5 Signs You Lack Emotional Awareness in Non-Monogamy
Let me tell you a secret: in my first non-monogamous relationship (which was 10 years ago now!), I did NOT handle my partner’s jealousy well at all 🫥
Instead of being curious about how he felt and sitting with his emotions, I told him he “shouldn’t” feel jealous, and said it was because I wasn’t jealous when he did the same thing. I completely ignored our differences in backgrounds, trauma histories, insecurities etc, and made it a whole thing about “fairness” - and in his incredibly vulnerable moment, I damaged the trust he had in me to be a safe person for him to express his difficult but ultimately very human emotions.
Here are the signs that show you may lack emotional awareness in non-monogamy - and how to fix it:
1. When you or your partner(s) experience jealousy, you deflect/suppress the feelings and treat them like a burden.
Emotionally aware people understand how to hold space for themselves or partners to express difficult feelings without shaming or blaming themselves, and view their vulnerability as a gift, not an inconvenience. They are also able to stay emotionally regulated, maintain boundaries, and take accountability when their partner is talking about being dysregulated by their actions.
2. You make impulsive decisions while dysregulated.
When the nervous system is activated, it's normal to feel a false sense of urgency, which means you're more likely to say or do something you'll regret later. Emotionally aware people know how to discern between feelings that need to be acted on from feelings that just need to be felt and witnessed, and to respond instead of just reacting.
3. You perform compersion that you don't authentically feel in order to please your partner, because you feel like you "should".
Being inauthentic about your feelings in non-monogamy leads to distrust and disconnection long-term, and risks your partner neglecting or making false assumptions about your needs. Emotionally aware people don't have to feel compersion to have sustainable non-monogamous relationships...but they are much more oriented towards creating conditions where it can happen.
4. You have a low tolerance for discomfort, or struggle to differentiate between discomfort and danger.
Non-monogamy often involves stepping outside your comfort zone, but there's a difference between a healthy amount of testing your limits and active self-betrayal. Emotionally aware people communicate what they feel they are ready for (not what they feel they "should" be), set and enforce their boundaries, and explore with a sense of curiosity and openness instead of fear and avoidance.
5. You find yourself managing other people's emotions even when you're overwhelmed, and feel there isn't space for you to be shown the same care.
Excessive caretaking for other people may be a subtle sign that you struggle to be vulnerable with others, especially if you are focused on other people's feelings as a distraction from your own. Emotionally aware people know how to balance responsibility in their relationships, and how to support others without rescuing/saving/infantilising them.
I made a lot of mistakes in my first steps into non-monogamy that I cringe looking back on, but I can say that I’ve learnt a lot of things that I’m now sharing with you. And when I was chatting with somatic coach Mel, author of ‘Radical Relating’, we had a lot of similar thoughts on the importance of emotional awareness in non-monogamy, and the nuance of handling your own feelings, other people’s feelings, and staying attuned to the ones you love without drowning or being overwhelmed by it all 🫠
This is why I’m so excited about our upcoming workshop, Feel Your Feelings* - it’s a place where we will come together to share the tools, tips, and tricks we have picked up from 20+ years of experience, so you can learn from our mistakes and show up as better partners in your polycules and relational networks. To learn more about cultivating emotional awareness and to show up as a better partner in non-monogamy, come and explore this topic from a somatic lens with us!
It’s happening later this month, but don’t worry if you can’t make the actual day - the whole thing is recorded, so all ticket holders will be sent a replay and you won’t miss a thing! We’re also looking out for our low-income babes so please DM if funds are an issue. For those with more to share around, you can use the “pay it forward” add-on to support others.
We will see you there 💛
*This workshop was hosted on March 22 2026. If you are reading this after that date, you can purchase the recording in my shop.
