Polyamorous Men and The Chad-Cuck Dichotomy
The Chad-Cuck dichotomy describes the contradiction that is the polyamorous man. He is simultaneously perceived as a Chad for having multiple, usually female partners, and a cuck because those partners usually have other partners. Meaning that he is simultaneously ultra masculine and emasculated.
This is why, in my experience, men tend to struggle with polyamory more than women. Not only do they have to unlearn mono normativity, but they also have to divest from patriarchal and heteronormative scripts, which tell them that their worth as men is defined by their sexual dominance over women.
To break out of this, polyamorous men have to understand that they can't control the stigma that is levied against them. That having multiple partners doesn't make you more masculine, and that their partner’s sexual autonomy has no reflection on their worth as a man. These lessons and unpacking toxic masculinity are hard to internalise. So if you have a male partner who is struggling with this, it's important to extend them grace and compassion.
I work with a lot of male clients who struggle with redefining what it means to be a man or masculine in a polyamorous relationship, and who want to give their partners more autonomy but struggle giving up control over their love lives. I coined this term around 2022 to describe this internal battle I saw men facing. The confusion, being pulled in multiple directions, not knowing what reaction they’d get from friends/family if they described their situation, and the shame, guilt, and even self-hatred for this part of themselves they’re looking to change.
I’ve also worked with their partners on figuring out how to (or even whether they can) support a partner who is struggling with this. It can be very activating to see your partner wrestle with beliefs that threaten your personal safety or view of them as a person - and not everyone has the capacity to hold space for it. Which is where I come in to see what can be done to help polyamorous couples reconnect or decide on next steps.
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