You Don’t Have To Be Friends With Your Ex.

As a polyamorous person, I've sometimes run into situations where I COULD start or continue a friendship with someone, but I choose not to for a variety of reasons. It was a process of getting in touch with my needs and articulating my boundaries to people, but I do think the flexibility of polyamory has allowed me to take up more space. When I came across this post by @goddess.khali it really resonated, because for a long time I've felt this weird pressure to pretend I want to be friends with someone because of the relation we have to each other - maybe we used to be in a relationship, maybe we're sharing a partner, maybe we went on a date and got along but didn't really feel a sexy/romantic spark...

“Many people take offense if someone doesn't want to be friends after the end of a romantic connection, relationship or if someone expresses feelings to another that may be unrequited.

And that's understandable, you may be in the process of losing someone you consider a valuable part of your life.

But as much as you do not owe someone a romantic connection, they do not owe you friendship. And they are not a bad person for declining that opportunity.

One thing I really value that polyamory has reinforced in me is that nobody owes anyone friendship.

Sometimes there's this feeling that we need to befriend our metamours but a truly healthy polyamorous relationship that values autonomy understands that if it doesn't come naturally-if both people don't want it, it need not be forced.

And this also comes up at the end of romantic connections and relationships too...but this is where it gets really dicey for many folks.

There are many reasons why people might decline the chance to be friends.

Maybe the current situation is too sensitive for them...Maybe you only appealed to them in a romantic capacity...

I'm one of those people that will decline and for the mere fact that I already have friendships that I'm invested in nurturing, and don't need to add another to the equation. A romantic connection is a specific need that I'm looking to fill and if it's unlikely between us, I want the space to seek it elsewhere.

Yes it might hurt that they don't want to be friends with you when the situation has come to a close but I reiterate-just as you don't owe someone a romantic connection, they don't owe you friendship. No, it doesn't mean that they didn't care enough, it just means that they have different goals than you.”

To be clear, while I of course have friendships that have arisen from such situations, I've gotten braver at simply saying "no thank you" when I truly don't want to put the time or energy investment into it!

I'm reminded of someone I used to date at university, and when things fizzled out a few months later, I asked if he wanted to stay in touch as friends. He politely informed me that while he'd enjoyed our time together, that he wanted to invest in sexual/romantic connections with others, and that his 'dance card' for platonic connections was full. I was a bit hurt by this initially, but later realised what a blessing his clear communication was. The last thing I wanted was a half-hearted friendship where someone wasn't really into it!

Have you ever felt a pressure to be friends with someone?