Why The One Penis/Vagina Policy Is Problematic

Written By Leanne Yau

Dear non-monogamous bisexuals,

Your partner’s "boundaries" that limit the genders you can date in non-monogamy are biphobic, homophobic, transphobic & misogynistic. You deserve a partner who accepts the full spectrum of your sexuality and nothing less.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: One Penis/Vagina Policies are problematic, in any scenario. Just because you're entitled to set your own boundaries doesn't mean those boundaries are always ethical or reasonable. And before you come for me in the comments, someone CHOOSING for themselves that they only want one penis/vagina in their life is FINE, and is NOT the same as their partner IMPOSING this on them. It's about personal AUTONOMY on how you choose to express attraction and your sexuality.

To spell it out, this policy is:
- Biphobic: an OPP/OVP treats bisexuality as "half-gay, half-straight" where you can turn one "half" off like a switch at will, when in reality bi/pansexuality is a whole sexuality in and of itself.
- Homophobic: an OPP/OVP is often used in a way that treats same-sex relationships as less 'threatening' or 'valid' - even worse, they may be used to fetishise bi/pansexuality (e.g. "You can sleep with other girls because it turns me on, but I don't want anyone inside you.")
- Transphobic: an OPP/OVP often does not take into account trans and non-binary people and how they fit into this incredibly gender essentialist rule.
- Misogynistic: an OPP specifically feeds into patriarchal views of how penetrative sex 'changes' a woman and is the only sex that 'counts', and how men should guard their female partners from other men to maintain dominance. It also limits women’s sexual autonomy.

This Pride Month, I'm here to tell you, bi to bi, that I’ve had enough of bi/pansexuals (and anyone who is attracted to more than one gender) having parts of their sexuality divided, conquered, and controlled at the whims of their partner or seen as more acceptable than other parts - or to even have their sexuality be seen as "half/part" ANYTHING at all.

If you want to work on this and grow, that’s great and I’ve worked with many clients who have come out the other side. But if you cannot accept that your partner should be free to express their attraction to any gender at their own discretion, and you've firmly decided you DON’T want to work on this hangup/insecurity to be a better ally to your partner, I hope this post helps you to reflect.

If you found this article helpful, consider the following:

Leanne Yau
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