The 2 Core Commitments of Successful Polyamory

Written By Leanne Yau

There are two types of commitment you need for a polyamorous relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling for everyone involved:

  1. All parties need to be committed to the individuals they're in relationships with, AND -

  2. All parties need to be committed to the idea of polyamory in general i.e. having a specific motivation for polyamory that is not related to a person or a relationship.

I define commitment as a motivation and willingness to remain consistent in one's actions - and in the context of relationships, a commitment to not just the person you're with but also the kind of life you are intentionally building together is key.

If someone is committed to a partner who they love dearly, but they have different ideas of what they want out of the relationship and what relationship style they want to practice, then the relationship is going to be much more emotionally challenging. I have seen situations where someone "goes along" with polyamory because they are deeply committed to the individual they are in a relationship with, and end up going against their own wishes and violating their own boundaries/needs by staying in a relationship that is not compatible with their desires. That isn't fair on anyone!

On the flip side, if someone is very committed to polyamory, and feels it is extremely aligned with their values, but the relationship(s) they are in are not compatible for other reasons, or they are failing to show up for the individuals they are in relationships with, then that also presents its own set of challenges. Good partner selection is super crucial for polyamory, and actually having the relational skills to sustain multiple relationships even more so.

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Leanne Yau
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