Are Your Boundaries Just Incompatible?
Is your partner a bad person, or are they just not for you?
Even if you're practising the same relationship style, it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be compatible. There are lots of different ways to do non-monogamy, and not everyone is going to be aligned.
For example, if you want to see your partner twice a week, you're probably not going to get your needs met by someone who only has the time to see you twice a month. That doesn't make either of you wrong. It just means that your capacity or desires are different and you either have to work something out or just don't see each other.
You get this with metamours as well. For example, if you have a boundary that you want to check in with your partner's other partner to make sure that the person that you're dating is not cheating, that's fair enough. But your partner's other partner may also have a boundary that they don't want any contact with you, especially in the early stages of dating. Both are perfectly valid, but it means that you probably can't date the same person.
Chemistry isn’t everything - compatibility matters just as much, if not more so. I get that it sucks when you really vibe with someone but you don’t want the same things or can’t give each other what you want. But it’s better to accept things as they are than to force a relationship that will breed resentment, and either change your expectations or simply move on to someone else.
So before you go pointing fingers, remember that sometimes it's about compatibility and not that they’re a shitty person.
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