Monogamisery: The Tragedy Of The Miserable Monogamist

Written By Leanne Yau

People who are secure in their monogamy are never threatened by the polyamorous possibility. The only monogamous people who feel the need to shit on polyamorous people just happily living their lives, are the ones who are miserable in their own relationships. This is because the existence of polyamory, and proof that it actually works, literally shatters their mononormative core beliefs and perception of the world. This is why they hate us for it…

Imagine being told all your life that you had to follow certain rules and make certain sacrifices to be in a happy fulfilling relationship, and then you meet someone who has all the happiness and fulfilment you always dreamed of but never achieved. On top of that, you find out that not only do they have everything you want, but they got there without even having to do all the things you did. How could you not feel anything but rage? 

The logical response to being confronted with something that challenges your worldview would be “huh, maybe I need to reconsider my beliefs and the choices I’ve made”. But not for the miserable monogamist - they’ve already given up and lost too much to go back now. It’s a sunk-cost fallacy. So they have no option but to double down in their bitterness, resentment, and ultimately deep envy of the happy polyamorist by hating them. 

When you’re that deep in monogamisery, you reject any evidence that shows you your sacrifices weren’t even worth anything. With that mindset, it’s near impossible to open your mind to other relationship possibilities, because that would involve dealing with the absolutely immeasurable grief of accepting that everything you were told growing up was a lie. So you create a prison for yourself out of spite, and then blame other people for keeping you inside it when you yourself are holding the key. 

This is why I ultimately hold a lot of empathy for the haters in my comments section who insist that I must be lying to myself, or secretly crying myself to sleep, or being manipulated by my partner(s) because I posted about my polyamorous joy. It’s pure projection of their own misery and fear, and a transference of the anger they feel towards the world and their upbringing at me. Hating me is easier than questioning themselves and making the changes to heal themselves. 

And before you call me sanctimonious or accuse me of polyvangelising - I’m not saying that everyone needs to be polyamorous to find healing. That’s ridiculous and not what I teach in my work. I advocate for freedom of relationship choice, including monogamy as a conscious and intentional decision. If you never asked yourself if monogamy was really right for you, of course you’d feel threatened by other options. These people want there to be ONE option so they never have to think for themselves. 

I have deep respect for monogamous people who seriously considered their options, maybe even explored them, and ultimately decided that monogamy was the best fit. We all made the active decision to take our life into our own hands, rather than doing things just because we felt we should. My consciously monogamous friends are as happy for me as I am for them. 

I also encourage intentionally monogamous people to date each other, so you can be certain that both of you are in a monogamous relationship because you genuinely want to be. A lot of the insecurity that I see from monogamous people is them being scared that their partner will suddenly want polyamory all because I exist, because they never actually had a conversation with their partner about their preferred relationship style. And that’s their fault and responsibility to bear, not mine. 

Monogamous people who shit on polyamory are also ruining their own relationships. On the off-chance you’re dating someone who is a closeted polyamorist, they likely wouldn’t be able to tell you because your hatred has created an unsafe space. Maybe you think they should repress those desires, but you can’t change who they are. You’ll live your lives resenting each other - and whose fault is that?

Dear monogamous people who hate polyamory: the person who suffers the most from hatred of others isn’t me, the object of your hatred. It’s you.

If you're a polyamorous person who is struggling with criticism from your family, friends, or peers, the internet, etc for being polyamorous, or if you're feeling down about the relative lack of acceptance of polyamory in society generally, I'm here to remind you that the vast majority of the time, haters (of any kind) are projecting their own unresolved issues onto you and their hatred is nothing to do with you personally. People are often threatened by what they don't know, and get insecure when their worldview is challenged, or evidence that contradicts their core beliefs are presented to them. It's not your fault if someone is triggered by your existence - it says a lot more about them than it does about you - and you can have empathy for these people while also setting boundaries accordingly about how much access you want them to have to you.

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Leanne Yau
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