“Casual” Can Be Anything But
When I refer to casual relationships, I refer to them in the colloquial sense of sexual, but not romantic. But those connections, for me, are anything but casual these days. I'm not casual in the way that I communicate with them about my needs and expectations. I'm not casual with them when we're talking about STI texting, sexual safety and risk profiles etc. I'm not casual in the way that we move through our connection with each other and continue to talk and navigate through conflict or potentially navigate an ending.
This is all a very intentional process to me, and this is not to rag on casual connections that don't have those things. But for me, it's a level of risk that I want to take on. Because in the past, my standard for having sex with someone was we get along and they look like they're Tinder photos, Let's fuck. And now it's like, can I trust you to communicate with me well, that your yeses are yeses and that your nos are nos? Are you emotionally mature enough to handle the nuances of multiple relationships? Do you have a healthy relationship to sex, and what does this connection mean to you? Is it different from mine? What are we getting out of it? And unfortunately, a lot of people aren't capable of this. The bar is in hell.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to negotiate a respectful, considerate, boundaried, and communicative sexual connection with trust and security. I’ve done it for years, and you can do it too. My longest sexual connection is going on 7 years and counting, and no, we are not dating.
Sex and romance can be separate if you want it to be. I think some part of me has always known this, but it took me some time to learn how to ask for it and hold my boundaries around it, as well as to find the people who held similar values to me and were genuinely capable of having a healthy long-term sexual relationship with me without needing love or exclusivity. If you want sex without love, it doesn’t mean you need to accept sex without boundaries and respect.
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