The Heartbreak of Polyamorous Holidays

Written By Leanne Yau

Holding space for the polyamorous people this holiday season whose partners aren't/can't be out to family as polyamorous, or whose family only recognise their married/longest-term partner but not others. During a period when people are expected to spend time with their loved ones, the feelings of loneliness/injustice/unfairness and impact of couple privilege and mononormativity can hit particularly hard 💔

Holidays like Christmas and Valentine's are emotionally significant for a lot of people, and for those who are impacted by couple privilege, the pain from not being able to celebrate these days "traditionally" can feel particularly acute.

In my peer support sessions, it's around this time I get a lot of clients needing support around this - married people who are concerned about how the holidays will impact their non-married partner, solo polyamorous folks who got messed around by couple privilege, or 'secondary' partners who are feeling the nature of the relationship especially hard right now.

I'm sure a lot of people would love to spend their holidays with multiple partners and families, but the reality is that not everyone comes from a "safe" family, or may have a variety of reasons why they can't be or aren't out as polyamorous. Dealing with the reality of the situation and holding space for the emotions that arise is key. Your feelings, while difficult, are valid, and even if your partner can't fix the situation, they can still listen to how it makes you feel. And if they're dismissive, or defensive...that's a red flag! You deserve emotional support even if the situation is not immediately fixable, and a partner who can hold you through that.

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Leanne Yau
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