Don’t Be A ‘Pick Me Polyamorist’

Written By Leanne Yau

A ‘Pick Me’ is generally someone who belongs to a marginalised group but tries to appeal to more privileged groups at the expense of their own community. A good example is a woman who goes, “Oh, I'm not like other girls” in an effort to appease men.

Generally, I see polyamorous Pick Me behaviour from polyamorous people who think they're better than other non-monogamous people. So people who go, “oh, polyamory is about the love and not the sex. I'm not like those dirty swingers.” Fuck right off with that shit.

Firstly, as someone who is polyamorous but also enjoys casual and group fun, you can be both polyamorous and a swinger. Secondly, a connection is not less good or pure or valid just because it doesn't have romance in it. I've had plenty of intimate, beautiful, emotionally connected experiences that were not romantic. For a community that claims to be sex positive, some polyamorous people can be very sex negative, so let's stop with that narrative in 2025 please and thank you.

I’ve maintained many times on this page that polyamory isn’t a more evolved or enlightened way of being just because the focus is on love. And I absolutely detest when polyamorous people use puritanical ideals around sex to appeal to mainstream mononormativity - “we’re not like those depraved sex pests, we’re better than them, accept us!” It’s giving assimilation not abolition, and shitting on your own community to get ahead is not very progressive of you. Personally I am very happy and proud of being a polyamorous person who loves getting nasty. Are there any other examples of pick me behaviour in the polyamorous community that you’ve noticed?

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Leanne Yau
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