How People Pleasing Happens In Polyamory
People pleasing is common in relationships, but is especially harmful in polyamory. If you struggle to say no, avoid hard conversations, or downplay your needs, you risk hurting others and ultimately yourself. Here are some ways people pleasing can show up in polyamory:
When dating someone new, people pleasers may struggle to be open about their feelings or disclose how things are progressing to other partners. In the short term, it may feel good to not need to handle a partner's big feelings. But long term, the omissions lead to broken trust.
When opening up from monogamy, people pleasers may struggle to vocalise desires or say "no" to rules/restrictions that do not align with their values and needs. Later on, this risks building resentment - and the worst thing is, your partner may have no idea why you feel this way!
If a people pleaser is a hinge, they may avoid conflict with one partner at the cost of another's feelings. Instead of setting appropriate boundaries, they capitulate to a partner's distress by disenfranchising someone else. This is especially common with codependent couples.
People pleasing is a childhood survival strategy. If you grew up in an environment where you couldn't express yourself without facing danger or punishment, you learnt to shapeshift, perform, and make yourself small. Now, even when you don't have to anymore, it feels 'safer'.
The ironic thing about people pleasing is that it doesn't actually please anyone at all. While you're constantly trying to appease others, avoid conflict, and prevent others from abandoning you...you actually abandon yourself, and lose your identity within your relationship(s).
You deserve to be in connection with people who want you to be your authentic self, who can hold space for your distress without invalidating your feelings or making you responsible for theirs, and who can trust you to say "no" as well as "yes". Honesty and vulnerability are key.
This is just a taste of the many issues that can arise when you're people pleasing in a polyamorous dynamic. If you want to better prepare for these realities, advocate for yourself instead of avoiding conflict, tolerate disappointment, and set boundaries kindly but firmly, check out my workshop Polyamory for People Pleasers.
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